If you’ve ever brought something up with your partner—only to watch them shut down, get defensive, or lash out—you know how frustrating and lonely it can feel. You might just want to be heard or express a need, but suddenly you’re in an argument you didn’t mean to start. Over time, these repeated ruptures can erode trust and make it harder to have honest conversations about our needs.
Most of us aren’t defensive because we’re trying to be difficult. We’re defensive because something tender or vulnerable inside us feels threatened. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps us see these moments not as communication “failures,” but as protests for connection and safety.
In this article, we’ll explore how you can lower defensiveness in your relationship. This approach blends core EFT principles with tools from Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to help you have more successful, connected conversations—especially about hard stuff. Non violent communication is a gentle, emotionally-attuned communication method that centers your experience without blaming your partner.
Begin Couples TherapyWhy Do We Get Defensive in the First Place?
Defensiveness is a natural self-protective response. When we feel blamed, judged, or misunderstood—especially by someone we love—our nervous system can go into fight, flight, or freeze. Suddenly we’re no longer able to hear what our partner is really saying. Instead, we hear danger and we try to protect ourselves.
And then, our partner often responds to our defensiveness with their own, creating a cycle of misattunement and distance.
In EFT, we call this a negative cycle: one partner reaches out (often with protest or criticism), the other defends or withdraws, and both end up feeling hurt and alone. The content of the conversation might change each time, but the emotional pattern stays the same.
To interrupt this cycle, we need to help both people feel safer and more emotionally seen.
Speak From the Inside Out
The best way to lower your partner’s defensiveness is to speak in a way that reveals your inner emotional world—rather than making assumptions about theirs.
That means:
- Leading with feelings instead of judgments
- Describing your needs instead of making demands
- Inviting connection instead of assuming rejection
This is the heart of both Emotionally Focused Therapy and Nonviolent Communication.
Here’s a simple formula to try:
“When [observable behavior], I feel [emotion], because [need].
Would you be willing to [specific, actionable request]?”
Step 1: Start With an Observation Of A Factual Event (Not a Judgment)
Instead of saying:
- “You never listen to me.”
- “You’re always on your phone.”
- “You’re being selfish.”
Try:
- “Earlier, when I was talking about my day and you looked at your phone…”
- “When you left without saying goodbye this morning…”
Describing a specific behavior, without labeling or blaming, helps keep your partner’s defenses down. It sets a neutral foundation that’s easier to receive.
Get In TouchStep 2: Name Your Primary Emotion (Be Specific)
Instead of:
- “I feel like you don’t care.”
- “I feel abandoned.”
Say:
- “I feel sad.”
- “I feel anxious.”
- “I feel lonely.”
- “I feel insecure.”
Get out of your interpretations and into your heart. This step is often the hardest—and most transformative. When you share your true feelings (not accusations wrapped as feelings), your partner is more likely to express empathy instead of reactivity.
In EFT, we call this accessing primary emotions—those deeper, often softer feelings (like sadness, loneliness and fear) underneath our protective ones. When partners can connect around these emotions, the entire conversation shifts.
Step 3: Connect It to a Need or Longing
This is what gives your feeling context and meaning. So, “When you left without saying goodbye this morning, I felt sad…
- “Because I long to feel close to you.”
- “Because I need to feel important in your world.”
- “Because I miss us and want to feel more connected.”
Naming your need is not the same as demanding your partner meet it right now, but about giving your partner information about you. This vulnerability is what fosters connection—it allows your partner to see you, not just your reaction.
Step 4: Make a Specific, Kind Request
Instead of:
- “You need to change.”
- “Stop being so cold.”
Try:
- “Would you be open to setting aside 10 minutes to talk about our days and reconnect tonight?”
- “Could you offer me some reassurance right now?”
Requests give your partner a roadmap for connection. They’re invitations, not ultimatums.
Putting It All Together: A Real-Life Example
Let’s say your partner comes home and heads straight for their phone, and you feel brushed off.
Instead of:
“You’re so checked out lately. You don’t even care about me anymore.”
Try:
“When you came in and immediately looked at your phone, I felt a wave of sadness. I think it’s because I really miss connecting with you after we’ve been apart all day. Would you be open to putting the phone down and checking in for a few minutes?”
The second version shares what’s happening emotionally, without shaming or accusing. It gives your partner a chance to respond with care rather than defensiveness.
Why This Works
This kind of communication lowers defensiveness because it:
- Signals safety and vulnerability instead of attack
- Helps your partner see your attachment needs ****(like closeness, mattering, or reassurance)
- Interrupts the negative cycle by revealing the deeper emotional layer under the protest
We’re wired to respond to vulnerability with care when we don’t feel under threat. By softening your delivery and staying in your own experience, you create space for both of you to stay engaged instead of reactive.
What If My Partner Still Gets Defensive?
This tactic isn’t magic and it is possible your partner may still be prickly. If your partner still responds with defensiveness, try:
- Staying grounded in your own experience rather than arguing
- Gently reminding your partner of the aim of this conversation: “I’m not trying to blame you. I’m trying to let you in.”
- Pausing and returning later, if needed
Over time, if this kind of communication becomes consistent, it does change the tone of your relationship. It builds emotional safety, which is the foundation for every other kind of intimacy—emotional, physical, and sexual.
You Don’t Have to Be Perfect
No one communicates perfectly all the time, and that’s okay. You don’t have to walk on eggshells to lower your partner’s defenses—just aim to come from a place of honesty, care, and emotional ownership.
The more you practice speaking from your heart (instead of your defenses), the more room there is for your partner to do the same.
And if you find yourselves stuck in the same painful cycles, couples therapy can help. As an EFT therapist, I help couples move beyond blame and shutdown into connection and repair. Together, we work on building the emotional safety and attunement that make these healing conversations possible.
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Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.
