One of the most common concerns I hear in couples therapy is around desire discrepancy. It’s very common for people to say, “I want sex more often than my partner does” or “I feel guilty because I don’t want sex as much as they do.” This difference in desire can feel painful and confusing, especially if it starts to impact how connected you feel as a couple.
If you’re in this spot, you’re not alone. And the good news is that you can move through it in a way that doesn’t involve pressure, resentment, or shutting down. From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, desire discrepancy isn’t a problem to fix—it’s a signal that something in your emotional bond may need attention and care.
Begin Couples TherapyDesire Differences Are Normal
It’s completely normal for two people to have different levels of sexual desire. Our libidos are influenced by so many factors: stress, hormones, past experiences, emotional connection, sleep, self-estee, and more. Add two whole humans with their own unique experiences and wiring, and it makes sense that your desire levels might not always match.
The challenge comes when these differences feel personal or threatening to the relationship. The higher-desire partner might feel rejected or unwanted. The lower-desire partner might feel pressured, broken or guilty. Both people often end up feeling stuck and hurt, unsure of how to talk about it without triggering conflict or shame.
What EFT Can Teach Us About Desire Discrepancy
Emotionally Focused Therapy looks at relationship issues through the lens of attachment and emotional connection. That means we’re not just asking, “How do we fix the sex problem?” We’re asking, “What’s happening in your emotional bond that might be showing up in your sex life?”
From this perspective, desire discrepancies are often rooted in deeper emotional dynamics:
- One partner may feel disconnected or unimportant, and seek sex as a way to feel close
- The other may feel emotionally shut out or overwhelmed, and withdraw from sex to protect themselves
- Both may be caught in a cycle where emotional distance and sexual frustration feed each other
Rather than assigning blame or pathologizing either partner, EFT helps couples slow down, tune in to what they’re really feeling, and make sense of the cycle that’s keeping them stuck.
Getting Unstuck: How to Work With Desire Discrepancy
1. Stop Making It About Who’s Right or Wrong
Desire isn’t about one person being too much or the other not enough. When you start to see desire as closely connected to our emotions—rather than something we feel pressure to defend or create—you can begin to have more compassionate conversations.
You can start shifting the conversation from:
- “Why don’t you want me?”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “You only care about sex”
To:
- “What helps you feel close and open to me?”
- “What makes sex feel good—and what makes it feel hard?”
- “How do we both feel safe and valued in our connection?”
2. Talk About What Sex Means to Each of You
For many couples, the meaning of sex is just as important as the act itself. One person might see sex as the main way they feel loved. Another might need emotional closeness outside the bedroom first, before they can feel open to intimacy.
These differences can create misunderstandings, especially if you haven’t talked about them openly. When you explore what sex represents to each of you—comfort, play, stress relief, closeness, affirmation—you can better understand why it matters (or doesn’t) in certain moments.
3. Recognize the Cycle You’re In
EFT therapists often help couples identify a repeating negative cycle, whether that’s around sex or a fight that keeps coming up around an unmet need. In desire discrepancy, this might look like:
- Partner A initiates sex
- Partner B declines, feeling tired or pressured
- Partner A feels rejected and withdraws emotionally
- Partner B senses that withdrawal and feels guilty or shut down
And the cycle goes on, gets deeper, and makes each partner feel more disconnected.
When couples start seeing the cycle as the problem—rather than each other—they can work together to interrupt it. That might mean slowing down, validating each other’s feelings, and staying emotionally engaged even when sex isn’t on the table.
Begin Couples Counseling4. Create Space for Non-Sexual Intimacy
If sex has become a source of tension, touch and affection might start to feel loaded. One partner might avoid cuddling because they fear it will lead to unwanted pressure. The other might stop reaching out physically because they’re afraid of being turned down again.
Rebuilding trust around touch means creating space for non-sexual physical connection: hand-holding, cuddling, massage, hugs, playful touches. It helps both bodies relax and remember that touch can be safe, soothing, and enjoyable without expectations.
5. Work Together to Find Creative Solutions
Desire mismatch doesn’t have to lead to feeling lonely or having unenthusiastic sex. With empathy and openness, many couples find ways to navigate it so that it feels good for both people. That might look like:
- Scheduling sex or intimacy time so both partners can plan and prepare
- Exploring new types of intimacy or eroticism that feel exciting or low-pressure, like one partner masturbating with the other partner present
- Finding ways to connect physically that don’t always center on intercourse, like kissing, touching or massaging one another
The goal isn’t “perfect balance” but mutual understanding, respect, and care. You may still have differences—but when you feel emotionally safe and connected, those differences become easier to navigate and don’t seem like such a big deal.
6. Address Any Underlying Emotional or Relational Wounds Contributing To Desire Discrepancy
Sometimes, desire discrepancy is a symptom of deeper emotional pain. Maybe one of you is carrying resentment from past betrayals or arguments. Maybe there’s been a loss of trust or affection. Or maybe old wounds around shame, trauma, or body image are resurfacing.
In EFT, we don’t ignore these deeper issues. We gently explore them, helping each partner express what they need in order to feel secure and open again. Healing those emotional wounds can make space for desire to naturally return.
When to Seek Help
If desire differences are creating ongoing stress, conflict, or emotional disconnection in your relationship, couples therapy can help. In EFT sessions, we focus on:
- Uncovering the emotional patterns underneath desire struggles
- Creating a safe space to talk about needs and fears
- Rebuilding emotional connection as the foundation for sexual intimacy
Desire issues don’t have to feel like so fraught and risky. With support, working through these issues can become a gateway into deeper understanding and closeness.
You’re Not Broken
Having different levels of desire doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, and in fact is completely normal. With curiosity, compassion, and emotional safety, it is absolutely possible to make the gap between you feel less scary or threatening.
If you need help navigating this, I offer couples therapy to help partners move through desire struggles with care and connection. If you’re feeling stuck, reach out for a free consultation.
Get In Touch
Emma Kobil is a trauma and couples therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.
