Does it feel like you’re wearing a mask in your life: people see a version of you that is put together and functioning well, but inside, you have a private world and a deep pain that you never show to others? Do you hold back in relationships—even with people you care about?
Maybe you keep conversations surface-level, avoid sharing your deeper feelings, or pull away when things start to get close. Perhaps it feels safer to stay behind walls than to risk being hurt.
If you’ve found yourself in this place, you’re not broken or alone. As a therapist who specializes in EMDR Therapy and other trauma-informed approaches, I see this pattern often. And while walls in relationships can feel frustrating, they’re something we can work with. These walls are a sign that your nervous system has learned to protect you.
In this post, we’ll explore why walls show up, what they’re trying to do for you, and how EMDR Therapy—along with approaches like EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) and IFS (Internal Family Systems)—can help you soften those defenses so you can feel safe enough to connect without losing yourself.
Begin EMDR TherapyWhy We Build Walls
Walls in relationships rarely come out of nowhere. They are usually a form of protection
If you grew up in an environment where your feelings weren’t welcomed—or where closeness led to rejection, criticism, or chaos—you learned quickly that being vulnerable wasn’t safe.
These early experiences leave a deep imprint. Your body and brain carry them forward into adulthood, often outside of conscious awareness. Even if your current relationships are safe, your nervous system may still anticipate danger.
In EFT terms, we’d call this an attachment strategy. If your early relationships taught you that closeness equals danger, you may lean more toward avoidance: shutting down, pulling back, or keeping your emotions private. In IFS language, we’d call these your protector parts. They step in to guard your inner world, making sure you don’t get hurt again.
Walls are not flaws. They’re strategies—the nervous system’s way of saying: I want connection, but I need safety first.
What Walls Can Look Like
Everyone’s walls look a little different. You might notice yourself:
- Avoiding conversations about emotions
- Keeping things light, even when something deeper is happening inside
- Withdrawing during conflict instead of engaging
- Downplaying your needs so you don’t seem “too much”
- Feeling numb, detached, or checked out in relationships
- Distracting yourself with work, social media, or busyness instead of talking about what’s wrong
It’s easy to judge yourself for these patterns, but they likely make perfect sense given what you’ve been through and learned about connection.
The Cost of Staying Behind Walls
Walls serve a purpose—they keep you from feeling vulnerable—but they also come with a cost. Over time, they can leave you feeling:
- Lonely – even when you’re partnered or surrounded by friends, you may feel like no one really knows you.
- Misunderstood – because you’re not sharing your inner world, others can’t truly understand your needs or struggles.
- Disconnected from yourself – if you always push emotions away, you may lose touch with what you actually feel.
- Stuck in relationships – closeness feels threatening, but distance feels unsatisfying.
When walls run the show, relationships can feel like a push-pull: you long for connection, but you also fear it.
How EMDR Therapy Helps
The good news is, walls don’t have to stay up forever. EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is one of the most effective tools for healing the past experiences that make walls feel necessary.
Instead of focusing only on behavior change—“just open up more”—EMDR Therapy goes to the root: the memories, beliefs, and body sensations that fuel your protective strategies. By processing these experiences safely, your nervous system learns that closeness in the present is not the same as danger in the past.
Here’s how it works:
- Identifying the origins. In EMDR Therapy we first map the triggers that bring up walls or shutdown. We trace them back to earlier moments when being open led to pain, rejection, or shame.
- Resourcing and stabilization. Before touching painful memories, we build inner resources—images, sensations, and skills that help you stay grounded. This makes the work feel safe rather than overwhelming.
- Reprocessing. Using bilateral stimulation (like eye movements or tapping), EMDR helps your brain integrate those old experiences so they feel truly past, not present. Clients often notice that protective reactions begin to soften naturally.
- Creating new beliefs. As old memories lose their charge, it becomes easier to hold new beliefs such as “It’s safe to be myself” or “I can let people in without losing control.”
Because EMDR Therapy works directly with the nervous system, the shift isn’t just cognitive—it’s embodied. Many people report feeling lighter, calmer, and more open in relationships without having to force themselves.
Begin EMDRHow EFT and IFS Complement EMDR Therapy
While EMDR Therapy focuses on healing the root causes of emotional walls, other trauma-informed approaches can complement the work:
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps you and your partner slow down reactive cycles in real time and practice new ways of reaching for each other. It builds a felt sense of safety that reinforces the changes you’re making in EMDR Therapy.
- Internal Family Systems (IFS) gives language to your “protector parts” and helps you relate to them with compassion instead of shame. This aligns beautifully with EMDR’s resourcing phase, making it easier for protectors to step aside so healing can happen.
Using EMDR Therapy alongside EFT or IFS creates a powerful combination: you heal the past, understand your present patterns, and practice new ways of connecting.
What You Can Do If You Notice Walls
Therapy is a powerful place to work on this, but there are also things you can begin practicing on your own:
1. Notice Without Judgment
When you catch yourself pulling back, numbing out, or avoiding vulnerability, pause and simply notice: Oh, my walls are coming up right now. This is your nervous system doing what it knows how to do to keep you safe.
2. Get Curious About What’s Underneath
Ask yourself: What feels scary about being open right now? or What is my wall trying to protect me from? Even if you don’t have clear answers, asking builds awareness.
3. Share Small, Safe Pieces of Yourself
Walls don’t come down all at once. Start by sharing something small with someone you trust. Notice how it feels to be received. Small moments of safe connection add up and help your nervous system learn that closeness can be safe.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
If you have walls, it means you’ve been through something hard enough to need them. That alone deserves compassion. Instead of thinking, “Why can’t I just be more open?” try: “Of course I protect myself. And I’m also learning to connect.”
5. Name It in Your Relationships
If you feel able, tell your partner or a trusted friend: “Sometimes I put up walls when I feel overwhelmed. I want to work on this, but I may need patience.” Naming it can reduce shame and invite others to meet you with understanding.
What If Your Partner Has Walls?
Sometimes it’s not just you with the walls, but your partner. If that’s the case, it can help to remember: their walls are not about you personally. They’re about the ways their nervous system learned to survive.
Instead of pushing harder for closeness—which can make them retreat further—try approaching with gentle curiosity. You might say, “I notice you pull back sometimes, and I wonder if it feels hard to share what’s going on for you. I want you to know I’m here when you’re ready.”
Patience, consistency, and reassurance often help walls soften more than pressure does.
Moving Toward Connection
Walls don’t mean you don’t want love or closeness—they mean you’ve been hurt, and your system is trying to protect you from more pain. EMDR Therapy can help you learn how to honor that protective instinct while also making space for the connection you long for.
Over time, with safe relationships and supportive therapy, many people find that their walls don’t have to be so thick. They discover that it’s possible to let people in without losing themselves, and that vulnerability—once terrifying—can actually become a source of strength.
With the right support, our walls can soften. You can begin to show more of your true self to the people who matter, and in return, feel the depth of connection that comes from being fully seen and loved.
If you’d like support in this process, EMDR Therapy can be a powerful place to begin. Reach out for a free consultation today.
Get In Touch
Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.
