What to Do If You Can’t Get Over a Past Hurt in Your Relationship

A trauma-informed, EFT-based guide to healing emotional wounds in your partnership

If you’re in a committed relationship, it’s almost inevitable that you’ll hurt each other at some point. Maybe it was a betrayal of trust, a painful argument, or a time when your partner didn’t show up the way you needed. You may have talked it through, apologized, and promised to do better. And still, part of you can’t let it go.

If you’ve been stuck in this space—replaying the hurt, feeling distant, questioning your relationship—you’re not alone. Lingering pain isn’t a sign that you’re too sensitive or that your relationship is doomed. It’s a sign that your emotional bond is still in need of repair.

Here’s what to do if you just can’t seem to move on from a past hurt in your relationship—without gaslighting yourself, bottling it up, or turning your talks into a never-ending argument.

Step One: Validate That the Hurt Is Real

Your hurt matters. If it still hurts, it matters.

It can be tempting to minimize or rationalize what happened. Maybe you’ve told yourself it wasn’t a big deal, or that you should be “over it” by now. Maybe your partner has even said, “Why are we still talking about this?”

But unresolved emotional pain doesn’t respond to logic. It needs presence, attention, and validation. Something in your nervous system reacted to the pain that was caused. And unless the rupture is truly repaired—not just discussed at a high level or dismissed—your body and emotions may keep bringing it up, trying to protect you from getting hurt again.

So before you try to “move on,” take a moment to name and validate the pain. What happened? How did it land for you emotionally? What did it trigger inside—fear, abandonment, shame?

When we stop shaming ourselves for not being over it, we can start healing from it.

Step Two: Understand Why It’s Sticking Around

In EFT, we understand relationship distress through the lens of attachment. When there’s a break in the bond—a betrayal, a moment of disconnection, an unmet emotional need—it sends a signal that the relationship might not be safe or secure.

Even small hurts can leave lasting impacts if they touch on deeper fears: Will you be there for me? Do I matter to you? Can I trust you with my heart?

If a past hurt is lingering, it’s often because your attachment system doesn’t feel fully reassured yet. You might have received an apology, but you haven’t felt your partner really get the depth of your pain. Or maybe they acknowledged it, but the behavior hasn’t changed. Or maybe you’re afraid to bring it up again because every conversation turns into a fight.

All of this makes perfect sense from a trauma-informed lens. When an emotional wound hasn’t been tended to in a way that feels safe and healing, our brain holds onto it—not to punish our partner, but to protect us.

Step Three: Talk About It in a New Way

If you’ve already tried talking about this hurt and it didn’t go well, I want to validate how discouraging that can be. But I also want to offer hope: the problem usually isn’t that you’re talking about it. It’s how you’re talking about it—and how safe or unsafe the conversation feels for both of you.

Using EFT and principles from Nonviolent Communication, here’s a way to open up a deeper conversation:

• Set the stage for connection. Choose a time when you both feel relatively calm and open. Let your partner know this is important to you and you’re not bringing it up to blame them—you’re bringing it up because you want to feel closer.
• Lead with your emotions, not your accusations. Instead of saying “You were so selfish,” try, “I felt really alone and scared that day. It made me wonder if I mattered to you.”
• Share what it triggered, not just what happened. “When you walked away during that argument, I felt alone. It reminded me of how I used to feel growing up when no one was there.”
• Ask for connection, not correction. “I don’t need you to fix it or defend yourself. I just need to know you can see how deeply this landed for me.”

This kind of vulnerable sharing takes courage. But it also creates the conditions for true repair.

Step Four: Invite Your Partner Into the Repair Process

Emotional wounds in relationships can’t be healed in isolation. You don’t need to “get over it” alone. What you need is to feel your partner with you in the pain—to feel seen, understood, and emotionally held.

In EFT, we help couples move from a pattern of attack and defense to one of open responsiveness. When a partner can say, “I didn’t realize how much that hurt you—and I’m here now,” something powerful starts to shift.

Here’s what repair might look like:

• A genuine apology that doesn’t rush or minimize your feelings
• A willingness to slow down and sit with the discomfort of what happened
• Consistent efforts to rebuild trust through small, emotionally-attuned actions
• Check-ins to see how you’re feeling and what you need to keep healing

Repair doesn’t need to look perfect. It just involves creating safety again, together.

Step Five: Work With a Couples Therapist If You Feel Stuck

Sometimes, even with the best intentions, you and your partner may hit a wall. One or both of you might shut down. Conversations might spiral into old arguments. Or the hurt might feel too big to bring up without fear.

That’s where couples therapy can be incredibly helpful.

In my work with couples—especially using EFT—we slow down these hard conversations and create a safe space where you can actually hear each other. We get underneath the defensiveness and explore what’s really happening in your emotional bond.

Often, we discover that both partners are hurting in their own ways, and both want to feel close again—they just don’t know how. Through therapy, we work together to rebuild that emotional connection and create a path toward lasting repair.

You’re Not Broken—You’re Trying to Heal

If you can’t get over a past hurt, it doesn’t mean you’re holding a grudge or sabotaging your relationship. It means you’re human—and your heart is asking for reassurance, connection, and healing.

Repair is possible. Healing is possible. And when you move through this together, your relationship can actually become stronger than it was before the hurt happened.

If you’re ready to start that healing process, I’d love to support you. I offer couples therapy online to Colorado and Florida residents, and I specialize in helping partners work through emotional injuries and reconnect from a place of safety and care.

Looking for support?

Reach out today for a free consultation and let’s explore how couples therapy can help you and your partner rebuild trust, deepen connection, and finally move forward—together.

Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.