Perfectionism often gets praised in our culture. Perfectionists are seen as being hardworking, detail-oriented, or high-achieving. But underneath, perfectionism rarely feels good. Perfectionists often carry anxiety, pressure, and an underlying fear of failure. Instead of helping us thrive, perfectionism can quietly drain our energy, strain relationships, and keep us from living fully.
From an EMDR therapy perspective, perfectionism isn’t just a personality trait. It’s a strategy—a part of us working overtime to protect us from pain. When we look at it through the lens of EMDR therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and feminism, we begin to understand both where perfectionism comes from and how to move toward healing.
Begin TherapyWhy Perfectionism Shows Up
Perfectionism is never random. It develops for reasons rooted in experience:
- Attachment wounds: If love or approval felt conditional growing up, perfectionism may have developed as a way to secure safety—“If I perform perfectly, I’ll be accepted.”
- Trauma responses: For many, perfectionism is a form of hypervigilance. The nervous system is scanning for mistakes to prevent rejection, criticism, or punishment.
- Cultural conditioning: Especially for women and marginalized groups, perfectionism often reflects impossible societal standards—be ambitious but not “too ambitious”; beautiful but effortless; nurturing but independent.
IFS helps us see that perfectionism is not who we are, but a part of us that took on a protective role. This part tries to prevent shame, rejection, or harm by pushing us to perform flawlessly. The part’s intention is to help us feel safe, but the actual impact is that we feel exhausted. EMDR therapy can help your nervous system release the old experiences and beliefs that keep this pattern of striving to be good enough in place.
The Feminist Lens: Why Women Feel It So Intensely
From a feminist perspective, perfectionism is not just individual—it’s systemic. Women are socialized to carry invisible labor and hold contradictory expectations:
- At work, women are expected to excel while being collaborative, not “too assertive.”
- At home, women often shoulder the bulk of emotional and domestic labor, expected to make it look effortless.
- In appearance, women receive constant pressure to look polished without seeming “vain.”
These double binds fuel perfectionism. The message is: no matter how much you do, it’s never enough. EMDR therapy validates that this pressure is not just personal—it’s part of a wider system that burdens women with impossible standards and then leaves them feeling inadequate when they can’t meet them.
How Perfectionism Affects Us
Perfectionism may seem like it keeps us “on track,” but over time, it creates strain:
- Burnout: Constantly pushing to meet unrealistic standards leaves us physically and emotionally exhausted.
- Anxiety and shame: Perfectionism is fueled by the fear of failure. When mistakes happen—as they inevitably do—they can trigger intense self-criticism.
- Disconnection: Perfectionism can create walls in relationships. When we’re busy managing how we appear, we lose authenticity. Vulnerability feels unsafe, so we don’t allow ourselves to be intimate.
- Stalled growth: Paradoxically, perfectionism often keeps us stuck. The fear of failing can make us avoid risks, which blocks creativity and fulfillment.
IFS describes this as managers and protectors working overtime—keeping us busy, driven, or hyper-controlling—so we never have to feel the deeper wounds of shame, fear, or inadequacy. EMDR therapy helps you process the memories and beliefs fueling those wounds, reducing the nervous system’s need for perfection as protection.
What’s Beneath Perfectionism
When we slow down and listen to the perfectionist part with compassion, we usually find it’s guarding something tender:
- A younger part that felt rejected, criticized, or unseen.
- Memories of environments where mistakes led to punishment or withdrawal of love.
- Core beliefs like “I’m only worthy if I succeed” or “If I’m not perfect, I’ll be abandoned.”
From an EMDR therapy and IFS perspective, perfectionism isn’t about being “too demanding” of yourself—it’s about carrying a strategy that once kept you safe. These parts deserve understanding, not judgment.
Healing Perfectionism with EMDR Therapy
Healing doesn’t mean erasing the perfectionist part. It means changing your relationship to it and giving your nervous system a new experience of safety. EMDR therapy is uniquely suited to help because it works directly with the memories, sensations, and beliefs driving perfectionism.
Begin EMDR TherapyHere’s how EMDR therapy, along with IFS and a feminist lens, supports this process:
1. Recognize Perfectionism as a Part, Not Your Whole Self
Instead of saying “I’m just a perfectionist,” try: “A part of me feels pressure to get everything right.” This creates space between you and the part, allowing curiosity instead of criticism.
2. Target the Roots in Memory
EMDR therapy uses bilateral stimulation to help your brain reprocess memories where you learned perfection was necessary. As those memories lose their charge, your nervous system no longer reacts with the same urgency to be flawless.
3. Attend to the Younger Parts It Protects
Beneath the perfectionist manager, there’s often an exile—an inner child who felt not good enough. EMDR therapy helps you connect with and soothe those wounds, while IFS gives you language to honor each part.
4. Notice the Systemic Layer
Remember the feminist lens which reminds us that the pressure isn’t only internal. Society benefits from women striving endlessly and blaming themselves for never measuring up. Naming this helps reduce our shame. The problem isn’t that you’re failing—it’s that the standards were impossible to begin with.
5. Practice Allowing “Good Enough”
Healing perfectionism involves experimenting with imperfection. This might look like sending an email without rereading it ten times or resting even if the house isn’t spotless. EMDR therapy can make these experiments feel less threatening because your nervous system is no longer primed for danger.
6. Build Self-Compassion Practices
Perfectionism thrives on self-criticism. Self-compassion interrupts that cycle. Practices like mindful breathing, journaling from a supportive voice, or simply noticing when the critic shows up can soften the pressure over time.
What EMDR Therapy Offers
Working on perfectionism with an EMDR therapist creates space to:
- Explore where perfectionism began in your story.
- Reprocess the memories and beliefs that fuel self-criticism.
- Gently connect with the younger parts that hold shame or fear.
- Practice new ways of relating to yourself that include rest, imperfection, and authenticity.
In EMDR therapy, we don’t force perfectionism away. We honor it as a part of you that once worked very hard to keep you safe. From there, we help you access your core Self—the grounded, compassionate center that can hold all parts with care.
Perfectionism Isn’t Who You Are
Perfectionism is s a survival strategy that developed in response to real wounds and systemic pressures. With EMDR therapy, the goal isn’t to erase it, but to understand it, care for what’s underneath it, and create space for more freedom and self-acceptance.
Through EMDR therapy, IFS, and a feminist, trauma-informed lens, perfectionism becomes less of a personal flaw and more of a story about resilience. Healing allows you to step out of the exhausting pursuit of “never enough” and into a life where rest, connection, and authenticity matter more than performance.
If perfectionism feels like it runs your life, EMDR therapy can help you untangle its roots and create a kinder, freer way of being. Reach out for a free consultation today.
Begin EMDR Therapy
Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.
