IFS Therapy: How to Handle Critical Parts of Ourselves with Curiosity and Care

Most of us are familiar with the voice of an inner critic. It might sound like, “You’re not doing enough,” “You should have handled that better,” or “You’re too sensitive.”

These harsh thoughts can feel like the truth, and many of us live with them as a kind of background noise—unpleasant, but familiar. In IFS Therapy (Internal Family Systems), these voices are not seen as enemies to fight or ignore. Instead, they’re parts of us that deserve to be understood.

IFS Therapy teaches that we are made up of many different “parts,” or subpersonalities, each with its own thoughts, feelings, and motivations. We also have a core Self that is compassionate, calm, curious, and connected. When we approach our inner world from Self energy, we create space for even the most critical parts to soften and transform.

Why Critical Parts Show Up

In IFS, critical parts are usually what we call “protectors.” Their job is to keep us safe, often by preventing us from taking risks, being vulnerable, or repeating past experiences of pain or rejection. While their methods can be painful or harsh, their intention is almost always protective.

For example, a part might criticize you for not working hard enough—not because it truly believes you’re lazy, but because it’s afraid that if you slow down, you’ll be seen as unworthy or you’ll fail and be judged.

These parts often learned their roles early in life. Maybe they picked up on the pressure to perform in school, or internalized a caregiver’s anxiety, or felt the need to constantly prove their worth in order to be loved.

Once we understand that these parts are trying to help (even if they’re doing it in a way that hurts), we can start relating to them differently. Instead of shutting them down or trying to silence them, we can turn toward them with curiosity.

The Cost of Shutting Down Critical Parts

Many people try to deal with critical thoughts by pushing them away. You might distract yourself, tell yourself to “just think positively,” or shame yourself for even having those thoughts. The problem is, this approach usually leads to more internal conflict. One part is being critical, another is trying to suppress the criticism, and soon your inner world feels like a war zone.

In IFS, we don’t aim to get rid of parts—we aim to listen to them. When we ignore, shame, or suppress a critical part, we often miss the deeper reason it’s showing up. We also risk reinforcing the part’s sense of urgency. If a critical part believes that no one is listening, it may only get louder in its attempts to protect us.

Instead, we should approach these parts in the way we would a scared child—gently, openly, and without trying to change them right away.

How to Approach Critical Parts with Compassion

If you’re curious about doing this work yourself, here’s a basic roadmap using IFS Therapy principles:

1. Notice the Part Without Merging With It

Start by noticing the critical voice in your mind and remember that the part is not the whole of you. You might say to yourself, “I’m noticing a part of me that thinks I should have done that better.” This language helps you stay in the seat of Self rather than merging with the part and becoming it.

This is one of the key distinctions in IFS—being with a part, rather than in the part.

2. Get Curious About Its Intentions

Once you’ve identified a critical part, ask yourself: What is this part afraid would happen if it didn’t criticize me? What is it trying to protect me from?

Often, the answers are tender. The part might be trying to protect you from rejection, failure, embarrassment, or loss of control. It might have learned that being hard on you was the only way to keep you safe.

When we ask questions like these from a place of genuine curiosity, critical parts often begin to soften. They don’t want to be in charge—they just want to know someone is listening.

3. Offer Compassion, Not Correction

It can be tempting to try to argue with a critical part or explain why it’s wrong. But what these parts need most is not logic—they need compassion.

You might try saying internally, “I see how hard you’re working to protect me,” or “Thank you for trying to keep me safe. I’m here now, and I’d like to understand more.”

You can also ask the part how old it thinks you are. Often, parts are frozen in time, still operating as though you are the child or teenager who first needed them. When they realize you’re an adult now—with more skills, more choices, and more support—they often feel relieved.

4. Make Space for the Part’s Story

Critical parts often carry a burden—a belief or fear that they’ve been holding onto for a long time. When they feel safe enough, they may begin to share their story.

This part might remember the time you were teased in school and decided you had to be perfect to be safe. Or the time you were scolded for crying and decided that toughening up was the only option. These stories can hold valuable insight into how your internal system developed and why certain protective strategies were adopted.

As you listen, you don’t have to fix or change anything right away. The act of witnessing—gently and without judgment—is often what these parts need most.

5. Let Your Self Take the Lead

In IFS Therapy, the goal is not to eliminate parts, but to unburden them. As your critical part begins to trust that you (as Self) are present and capable, it may be willing to step back. It might even take on a new role—like offering helpful reminders or supporting you when you’re feeling unsure, rather than criticizing you into action.

This process can be deeply healing. It shifts the dynamic from inner warfare to inner cooperation. And it often reduces the intensity of self-criticism not through force, but through care.

Our Inner Critic Isn’t The Enemy

Living with a loud inner critic can be exhausting. But through IFS Therapy, we can learn that the critic isn’t the enemy—it’s a part of us that needs attention and care. When we stop trying to silence or fix it, and instead get curious about its fears and intentions, we build a new relationship. One based not on control, but on compassion.

If you’re navigating a loud inner critic or struggling with self-judgment, IFS Therapy offers a grounded, evidence-based approach to healing. You don’t have to push these parts away to grow. In fact, the more you turn toward them, the more you may find that even your most critical parts have something valuable to say.

If you need help integrating the critical parts of yourself, reach out for a free consultation today.

Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.