IFS Therapy And Honoring the Parts of You That Grieve

In IFS therapy (Internal Family Systems), we talk a lot about parts — the different aspects of ourselves that hold unique emotions, beliefs, memories, and roles. Some of our parts are protective. Others carry the weight of pain or unmet needs.

But there’s one type of part that often gets overlooked, even in therapy: the part that mourns for a lost relationship, opportunity, or time of life. This is the part that wonders, “What if things had gone differently?” It still longs for a relationship that’s changed or a version of life we didn’t choose.

Maybe you’ve felt a wave of sadness over an old friendship that faded, even if it ended for good reason. Or you have a part that grieves not becoming a parent, even if that was a conscious decision. Maybe there’s a part of you that still aches when it thinks about the career you didn’t pursue, or the partner you didn’t marry.

You might assume this grief means you’ve made a mistake or haven’t “healed enough.” But often, it simply means you’re carrying a part that wants to be witnessed.

From an IFS therapy lens, these parts aren’t trying to sabotage you or keep you stuck. And if we can turn toward them with compassion instead of judgment, we often find that they don’t need to be “fixed” — they just need to be heard.

Why These Parts Show Up

I operate by Dick Schwartz’s motto: all parts are welcome. That includes the ones that feel out of sync with the rest of your system — the ones that say, “I know we’re happy now, but I still miss how things used to be.” These parts show up when:

• A big transition has occurred (divorce, parenthood, moving, career change)
• You’ve chosen one path but are grieving the one you didn’t take
• You’re in a secure relationship now but still miss parts of a past one
• Your identity or values have shifted, but a younger part still misses the old life

These parts can be confusing because they may hold emotions that feel in conflict with your present reality. You might feel grateful for where you are now and still have a part that’s sad. That doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or ambivalent — it just means there’s more than one part active in your system.

In IFS therapy, we don’t force parts to disappear or argue with their logic. Instead, we get curious. What is this part feeling? What does it need? What is it trying to protect?

Making Room for Grief Without Making It a Problem

A common misconception in therapy is that if something still hurts, it means you haven’t worked through it. But the truth is, some griefs aren’t meant to be “solved,” but are instead meant to be honored. Parts that mourn lost relationships, missed opportunities, or past identities may never fully “go away.” And that’s not a sign of failure , but rather a sign that you cared deeply.

In IFS therapy, we allow these parts to speak without rushing them or forcing them. We don’t try to talk them out of their feelings or get them to go away.

You might be surprised by what you hear when you slow down and get curious about your grieving parts. A part that’s grieving an old relationship may not want that person back — it might just miss the feeling of excitement you used to get in that relationship. A part that longs for a different career might not be telling you to quit your job — it might just want more creativity or freedom in your current life.

Grief doesn’t always mean regret; it is a natural response to change. And giving that grief space doesn’t mean you’re “living in the past” — it means you’re integrating your experiences instead of splitting them off.

Tending to These Parts with Care

If you notice parts that still feel stuck in mourning, try this:

1. Pause and Listen. Ask the part: What are you feeling right now? What are you missing? What would you like me to know?
2. Name Without Judgment. “This part is still holding grief over not becoming a parent.” “This part misses the closeness I had with that friend.” Naming it doesn’t mean you agree or disagree — it just means you’re paying attention.
3. Separate the Part from the Whole. You are more than this one part. You can be deeply content in your current life and still have a part that carries sadness. Holding both truths is a sign of emotional maturity, not confusion.
4. Offer Compassion. These parts often carry unmet needs — for connection, expression, identity, or agency. You can’t rewrite the past, but you can offer these parts the compassion they didn’t receive when they needed it most.
5. Invite Self-Energy In. In IFS, Self is the calm, compassionate, curious presence within us that can help parts feel safe. When you relate to your parts from Self, they feel less alone.

Integrating All Your Parts

Some people worry that giving these parts attention will feed rumination or keep them stuck in the past. But the opposite is often true. When we ignore or suppress these parts, they can become louder or more disruptive. When we slow down and truly witness them, they tend to soften.

IFS therapy helps us integrate all of our parts — not just the ones that look healed or productive. When a grieving part feels seen, it no longer has to protest. It can step back, knowing that you’re listening.

Making Sense Of Our Path

Meaning doesn’t just come from the choices we make—it also comes from how we hold the ones we didn’t. The parts of us that wonder “What if?” or “Why did it have to change?” aren’t problems to fix; they’re reminders of our depth and capacity to care.

Whether you’re grieving a path not taken, a relationship that’s changed, or a version of yourself you’ve outgrown, those feelings don’t need to be explained away. In IFS therapy, we learn to stay with them. Caring about what we’ve lost isn’t a sign we’re broken—it’s a sign we’re whole.

IFS Therapy Can Help You Hold Complexity

Life is rarely black and white. Most of us live in the grey — loving parts of our past while being committed to our present, grieving what’s gone while building something new. IFS therapy gives you a way to make sense of that complexity without turning it into a problem.

If you’re carrying parts that mourn — whether it’s a relationship, a dream, or an identity —those parts deserve care, not criticism.

If you’re curious about how IFS therapy might support you in holding your own complexity with compassion, reach out for a free consultation.

Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.