How to Know Whether You Should Stay or Go in Your Relationship

One of the hardest questions people bring into couples therapy is whether they should stay in their relationship or leave. It’s not a decision that comes with a clear checklist, and no one can answer the question for you. For many, the confusion comes from loving certain parts of the relationship while feeling deeply hurt or disconnected in others. Sometimes it feels like the relationship is the source of both comfort and pain.

If you’ve found yourself asking, “Should I stay or should I go?” you’re not alone. From an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) perspective, the heart of this question often lies in whether the relationship can become a safe, secure base for both partners. Let’s explore why this question arises, what might be underneath it, and how couples therapy can help you find clarity.

Why This Question Feels So Difficult

Relationships touch the most vulnerable parts of us. Our longing to feel seen, safe, and cherished lives right next to our fear of rejection, abandonment, or not being enough. Deciding whether to stay or leave isn’t just about practical concerns—it’s about attachment, identity, and the deep emotional bonds that make us human.

The difficulty often comes from these mixed experiences:

• You remember the warmth and love that once felt so natural, and part of you longs for its return.
• At the same time, you may feel shut out, criticized, or lonely in your relationship.
• You wonder if things can change or if you’re asking for too much.
• You may fear making the wrong decision—staying too long in a painful dynamic or leaving something that still has potential.

EFT recognizes that this ambivalence is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that the relationship matters to you on a deep level.

Signs the Relationship Might Still Have Life

From an EFT perspective, relationships often struggle not because love is gone but because the bond has become unsafe. Couples fall into cycles of protest, withdrawal, or misattunement that make it hard to feel secure. When both partners are willing to look at these cycles together, there is usually hope.

Here are some signs the relationship may still be repairable:

1. Both partners still care. Even if it comes out as frustration, both partners are showing that they have energy in the relationship. Complete indifference is harder to work with.
2. You can remember moments of closeness. If you’ve felt securely connected before, it means that bond can often be rebuilt.
3. There is openness to therapy. A willingness to look at the cycle together shows that neither partner has fully checked out.
4. You share values and dreams. Even if day-to-day feels hard, a shared vision of life can be a powerful anchor that connects you to each other.
5. You want to grow together. Sometimes both people want to connect, but they just may need to learn how to connect differently.

Signs It May Be Time to Step Away

There are also situations where leaving may be the healthier choice. EFT makes space for the reality that not every relationship can or should be repaired. Warning signs that indicate that it might be time to step away include:

• Emotional or physical abuse. Safety must always come first. If the relationship does not feel safe at the most basic level, it’s hard to work on connection and attunement.
• A partner who refuses to engage. If one partner has fully withdrawn or will not consider therapy, it’s hard to build a secure bond.
• Complete loss of respect. When contempt or cruelty have become entrenched, rebuilding trust is very difficult.
• Consistent violation of boundaries. If harmful patterns continue despite attempts to address them, it may signal a lack of commitment to change.

Knowing these signs doesn’t make the choice easy, but it can give you clarity that staying isn’t about being “not strong enough”—it may simply be about honoring your well-being.

The Role of EFT in Finding Clarity

Couples therapy, especially EFT, doesn’t push you toward either decision. Instead, it helps you see the deeper emotional cycle beneath your fights and silences. In EFT, the question isn’t “Who’s right?” but “What is happening to the bond between you?”

In session, you may begin to notice:

• The ways one partner withdraws not out of disinterest, but out of fear of failure or rejection.
• The ways another protests or pushes not out of criticism, but out of longing for connection.
• How both of you are caught in a cycle where the more you try, the more disconnected you feel.

Once partners can see this cycle and access the softer emotions underneath, the relationship often shifts. The decision about staying or leaving then becomes clearer—not because someone tells you what to do, but because you both can see what is possible between you.

Questions to Ask Yourself

If you’re struggling with this decision, here are some reflections that can help:

• Do I feel safe being vulnerable with my partner—or could that safety be built with support?
• When we fight, do we ever find our way back to one another, or do we stay stuck in distance?
• Do I feel like myself in this relationship—or do I silence parts of who I am to keep the peace?
• Is my partner willing to grow with me, even if it’s uncomfortable?
• If nothing changed, how would I feel staying in this relationship a year from now?

There are no “right” answers here. These questions are about tuning into your body and emotions, not just your logic.

How to Move Forward When You’re Unsure

1. Slow down. You don’t need to rush a decision. Clarity often comes from staying with the questions, not forcing quick answers.
2. Name the cycle. Notice how the two of you get stuck and begin to talk about the pattern instead of blaming each other.
3. Experiment with small risks. Share a softer feeling instead of criticism. Reach out when you want to pull away. See how your partner responds.
4. Seek couples therapy. Having a guide who can help you slow down, make sense of triggers, and support vulnerability can change everything.
5. Check in with your body. EFT teaches us that our bodies carry the truth of safety and danger. Notice how your body feels in your partner’s presence—tight and guarded, or open and calm?

The Heart of the Stay-or-Go Question

Ultimately, deciding whether to stay or leave isn’t about finding a perfect partner or a conflict-free relationship. It’s about whether the relationship can become a safe, supportive bond where both people can grow and thrive.

Couples therapy can help you explore this question with compassion and clarity. Whether you choose to stay and rebuild or to part ways with care, the process of looking honestly at your relationship can itself be a profound act of healing.

If you find yourself asking whether to stay or go, know that you don’t have to face the question alone. Couples therapy can help you understand your cycle, reconnect with what matters, and find a path forward—together or apart—that honors your deepest needs. Reach out for a free consultation.

Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.