The holidays are often sold to us as “the happiest time of the year.” But for many people, December brings something very different: comparison, loneliness, and the feeling that everyone else is somehow doing life better. If you’ve ever scrolled through social media and felt a pit in your stomach seeing perfectly curated family photos, cozy couples in matching pajamas, or endless “grateful” posts while it feels like you’re barely holding it together — you’re not alone.
This post explores why the holidays can feel so triggering, how trauma and social conditioning feed these emotions, and what you can do to care for yourself when comparison and loneliness start to take over.
Begin Therapy For LonelinessWhy Do the Holidays Feel So Lonely for Some People?
Even if you have friends, family, or a partner, it’s completely possible to feel lonely during the holidays. Loneliness isn’t just about being alone — it’s about feeling unseen, disconnected, or emotionally out of sync with the people around you.
For many of us, the holidays stir up old attachment wounds. Maybe you grew up in a family where love was inconsistent, where you had to earn affection by being helpful, cheerful, or perfect. When everyone around you seems happy and connected, that old ache — the one that says “I’m on the outside looking in” — can flare up.
There’s also a collective pressure to feel joyful this time of year. That pressure can make any sadness or disconnection feel amplified. You might think, “Everyone else seems so happy. What’s wrong with me?” But the truth is, the expectation to be cheerful often makes loneliness worse.
How Social Media and Comparison Make It Worse
Comparison is one of the most common triggers during the holidays. Social media doesn’t help — it floods us with highlight reels that look like proof of everyone else’s happiness.
It’s easy to forget that what you’re seeing online isn’t the whole story. The smiling couple might have just had a fight before taking that photo. The family gathered around the tree may have been arguing five minutes earlier. The person showing off their new relationship might still feel insecure and anxious inside.
Comparison often comes from a traumatized and hurt place — the part of your brain that’s scanning for danger or rejection. When you see others being loved, chosen, or celebrated, your nervous system may interpret that as a sign that you’re not.
So instead of judging yourself for feeling jealous or inadequate, try to see those emotions as information. They’re pointing to unmet needs for connection, belonging, and self-worth — not proof that you’re failing.
How Trauma Shapes Holiday Stress and Self-Comparison
When you have a history of trauma — whether attachment trauma, relational wounds, or chronic stress — your nervous system tends to operate on high alert. The holidays can amplify that because they combine triggers from multiple directions:
- Old family dynamics that resurface when you go home
- Sensory overload from crowds, travel, and noise
- Social comparison from seeing what others seem to have
- Pressure to perform emotional labor or keep the peace
In trauma therapy (like EMDR Therapy or IFS Therapy), we often explore how these experiences aren’t just mental — they’re embodied. You might feel tension in your chest when you see others gathered together, or a heaviness in your gut when you’re expected to show up smiling at family events.
Your body is remembering what it felt like to be left out, unseen, or misunderstood. When that’s the case, forcing yourself to “be grateful” doesn’t work. What does help is gentle awareness — noticing the sensations, validating your feelings, and reminding yourself that it’s okay to have mixed emotions around the holidays.
What Can You Do When You Feel Lonely at Christmas?
1. Validate what you’re feeling — instead of fighting it
Loneliness and comparison don’t mean you’re broken; they mean you’re human. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up. You can say to yourself:
“Of course I feel this way. I’m wanting connection and belonging. That makes sense.”
Naming the feeling helps your brain move out of survival mode and into self-compassion.
2. Limit your social media consumption
You don’t have to delete every app, but setting boundaries helps. Take intentional breaks — especially if scrolling leaves you feeling drained or “less than.”
Try swapping comparison for connection: text a friend you haven’t talked to in a while or take a walk outside. Real human moments tend to soothe what online images inflame.
3. Reconnect with your body
Grounding yourself in your body is one of the most powerful ways to counteract the dissociation that loneliness brings. Try deep breathing, yoga, stretching, or even placing a hand on your heart and taking a slow breath.
This simple act signals to your nervous system: I’m here. I’m safe.
4. Create rituals that feel meaningful to you
Holidays don’t have to look one way. You can create your own traditions — lighting a candle for what you’ve survived, writing a gratitude letter to your past self, making a comforting meal, volunteering, or spending the day in nature.
These rituals can anchor you in purpose and remind you that the season is about connection — not performance.
5. Seek connection, not perfection
If you’re feeling isolated, even small interactions can help — a short phone call, joining a community event, or scheduling a therapy session. You don’t have to have a “perfect” holiday to have a real one.
Therapy for loneliness can help you explore where those feelings come from and how to build deeper, safer connections — with yourself and others.
Begin TherapyWhat If Family Dynamics Are Part of the Problem?
For many people, the holidays mean being around family members who trigger old patterns of shame, caretaking, or self-doubt. You might find yourself shrinking, people-pleasing, or reverting to old roles.
This is where trauma therapy can be life-changing. Modalities like EMDR Therapy and IFS Therapy help you understand why those dynamics feel so powerful — and how to stay grounded and compassionate toward yourself in the middle of them.
Learning to set boundaries, say no, or even choose not to attend certain gatherings isn’t selfish — it’s self-protection.
What Does Feminist Therapy Say About Holiday Comparison?
From a feminist therapy perspective, it’s important to remember that much of our holiday stress comes from cultural conditioning — not personal failure. We’ve been taught to measure our worth through how loved, productive, or “together” we look to others.
Feminist therapy helps challenge that conditioning by asking: Who benefits when women feel inadequate or alone? Usually, it’s not you. The systems that profit from endless comparison — capitalism, patriarchy, social media algorithms — depend on you believing you’re not enough.
Reclaiming your peace during the holidays can be an act of quiet rebellion. It’s saying: I don’t need to earn my worth through perfection, relationships, or appearances. I already have it.
When to Seek Therapy for Loneliness and Comparison
If you find yourself feeling persistently sad, detached, or stuck in painful comparison loops, therapy can help you get to the root of those emotions.
A trauma-informed therapist can help you:
- Understand how your early experiences shaped your relationship to belonging
- Reprocess painful memories through EMDR Therapy
- Work with protective parts that criticize or compare
- Build compassion for the parts of you that long to be seen and loved
Therapy isn’t about “fixing” loneliness — it’s about helping you connect with yourself in a deeper, kinder way so you can move through life with more ease.
You Deserve a Holiday That Feels Like Peace
It’s okay if this Christmas doesn’t feel joyful or easy. Healing often doesn’t look like constant cheer — it looks like being gentle with yourself when things feel complicated.
The truth is, comparison and loneliness are deeply human. And with awareness, compassion, and the right support, they can become invitations to understand yourself more deeply — and to start building the kind of connection that feels real, not performative.
If you’re struggling with loneliness or comparison this holiday season, you don’t have to go through it alone. Therapy can help you find calm, clarity, and genuine connection again. Reach out for a free 15 minute consultation to get started with therapy for loneliness today.
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Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.
