You’ve reached a breaking point. The arguments, the distance, the stored up resentment—it’s all piling up and you are feeling unseen and unheard. You know that couples therapy could help, but there’s one big problem: your partner won’t go.
If you’re feeling stuck, frustrated, or even hopeless, you’re not alone. Many people I have worked with in Denver and throughout Colorado find themselves in this exact situation: you want to work on your relationship, but you can’t force your partner into couples counseling.
So, what can you do? Here’s how to navigate this tricky situation so that you’re showing up lovingly for your partner while prioritizing your own emotional well-being.
Begin Therapy1. Understand Their Resistance To Couples Therapy
Though a partner not wanting to go to couples therapy might bring up anger, sometimes it can help to take a step back and try to understand why your partner is hesitant. Some common reasons include:
- Fear of being blamed – They might worry that therapy will become a place where they’re criticized or “ganged up on.”
- Doubt that therapy will help – If they’ve never been to therapy (or have had a bad experience), they might not believe it will make a difference and could be afraid of what this will mean for the relationship.
- Stigma or embarrassment – Unfortunately, many people still feel shame around getting professional help for their relationship. Therapy, especially couples therapy, has been stigmatized and seen as a last resort for a long time in our society. For these reasons, the idea of going to couples therapy can feel triggering for reasons your partner may not even understand.
- Denial – They may not see the issues as serious or believe that things will get better on their own. They may think that time heals relationship wounds or that things aren’t as serious as they appear to you.
- Time and money concerns – Therapy is an investment, and they might be worried about whether it’s worth it.
Once you understand their hesitation, and where it’s coming from, you might be able to have a more productive conversation.
2. Choose the Right Moment for the Conversation
Pick a neutral, calm moment when you both feel relatively connected or at least not triggered to try talking about couples therapy. Avoid bringing up therapy in the middle of an argument. This increases the chances that your partner will actually hear you instead of getting defensive. But also know that you cannot control your partner’s response.
3. Frame Couples Therapy as a Positive Step for Your Relationship
Sometimes framing couples therapy in a positive light can make it feel less threatening. Instead of saying, “We need couples therapy because we have so many problems,” you could try something like:
- “I love you, and I want us to feel close again. I think couples therapy could help us strengthen our relationship.”
- “I know we both want to communicate better, and I think counseling could give us tools to do that.”
- “I don’t want us to keep having the same fights. Therapy could help us understand each other better.”
By framing therapy as something that can enhance your relationship rather than fix a “broken” one, your partner may feel less defensive.
Get In Touch4. Offer Alternatives To Couples Therapy
If the idea of traditional couples therapy feels overwhelming to them, and if you feel open to it, consider alternative approaches for a time:
- Try a single session – Instead of committing to ongoing therapy, see if they’d be open to just one session to test the waters. That way, you can both feel out whether the therapist feels like a good fit.
- Look for a workshop or intensive – Some therapists in Denver offer relationship workshops or weekend intensives, which can feel less intimidating than weekly therapy.
- Suggest individual therapy – If couples counseling feels like too much, maybe they’d be open to talking to a therapist one-on-one first.
- Read or listen together – Find a podcast or book about relationships and discuss it together. I highly recommend Wired For Love by Stan Tatkin or Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson.
5. Seek Out Individual Therapy
If they won’t go to couples therapy, that doesn’t mean you can’t. Individual therapy can be incredibly beneficial, even when your partner isn’t involved. A therapist can help you navigate your feelings, improve communication, and even change the dynamic of your relationship—sometimes without your partner even realizing it.
Many people find that when they start doing their own work in therapy, their partner begins to notice a shift and becomes more open to joining them.
Therapy can also help you decide what you are and are not OK with and how to set boundaries effectively in your relationship.
Begin Therapy6. Set Boundaries & Decide What You Can Accept
It’s hard to feel like you’re the only one fighting for your relationship. If your partner flat-out refuses to work on things with you, you might have to ask yourself some tough questions like:
- Can I accept a relationship where my partner isn’t willing to work on things?
- How long am I willing to wait before this becomes a dealbreaker for me?
- What are my needs, and are they being met?
A relationship is a two-way street. If your partner isn’t willing to participate in making things better, it might eventually be time to reflect on what that means for your future together.
7. Be Patient, But Don’t Put Your Needs on Hold
All change takes time. Some people just need a little while to warm up to the idea of couples therapy. If your partner isn’t immediately on board, that doesn’t mean they never will be.
That said, don’t let their hesitation keep you from getting the support you need. Whether that’s individual therapy, leaning on friends, or even joining a support group, make sure you’re taking care of yourself while navigating this situation. Give yourself some extra care and compassion during this tough time and remember that things will not stay this way forever.
Final Thoughts
It can be incredibly frustrating and painful when you want to work on your relationship and your partner resists couples therapy. Remember that you’re not powerless.
Approaching the conversation with empathy, offering alternatives, and focusing on your own growth can create positive shifts in your relationship—even if your partner isn’t on board yet. And, you always have the power to set boundaries in your relationship to take care of yourself.
If you’re looking for couples counseling in Denver or throughout Colorado, I’m here to help. Whether your partner is hesitant or fully committed, we can find an approach that works for your unique relationship. Reach out today for a free 20 minute consultation to take the first step toward a stronger connection.
Begin Couples Therapy*******************************************
Emma Kobil is a licensed professional counselor practicing online in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.
