What to Do When You Feel Lonely: A Trauma-Informed Guide to Self-Compassion

Loneliness is one of those feelings that can sneak up on you, and you may not even realize you’re experiencing it. Maybe you’re physically alone, or maybe you’re surrounded by people but still feel completely unseen. It can feel like you’re watching the world move around you while you feel like you’re missing out on life and connection.

As a trauma therapist, I’ve come to understand that loneliness isn’t just about whether or not you have people around. It’s often about whether the parts of you that long to be known, held, and understood have ever truly felt seen. And when those parts go unnoticed, especially over time, loneliness can feel bigger and harder to tackle.

But there are ways to tend to that ache. There are ways to make loneliness feel like less of a punishment and more of an invitation—to slow down, to listen inward, and to care for the parts of you that are hurting.

Step One: Acknowledge That You’re Lonely (Without Shame)

It might sound simple, but acknowledging you’re lonely is a huge step that can often bring a bit of relief. We live in a world that treats loneliness like something to be ashamed of or an indicator that you’re not enough or you’re not doing enough. But loneliness is a universal human emotion. It doesn’t mean you’re unlovable, but rather that you’re human.

Let it be okay that loneliness is what you’re feeling. This acknowledgment can help soften the part of you that feels like it has to hold everything together.

Step Two: Find the Lonely Part Inside You

In trauma therapy, especially in IFS (Internal Family Systems), we often talk about “parts.” These are the different voices or emotional experiences inside of us.

When you’re feeling lonely, it’s likely that there’s a younger part of you that remembers feeling left out, abandoned, or invisible. It might be holding the pain of not being chosen, not being protected, or not being emotionally held.

Take a moment and tune in, feel free to close your eyes if it feels safe. See if you can find where in your body that lonely feeling lives. Maybe it’s a tightness in your chest or a lump in your throat. Imagine that this is a part of you—not all of you, but a part that needs some attention.

You might say, I see you. I know you’re lonely. I’m here now. I care about your suffering. This can be the beginning of healing.

Step Three: Offer Compassion and Reassurance

Once you find the part of you that feels lonely, the next step is to respond to it the way you would to a scared child. This is not the time to push it away, scold it, or tell it to get over it. This is the time for softness.

Let this part know that you’re an adult now. That you understand why it worked so hard to protect you. That it makes total sense it feels the way it does. That you’re grateful for how it has helped you survive. And most importantly, let it know it doesn’t have to work so hard anymore.

You can say something like:

• You are not alone now.
• You are safe.
• You are loved, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
• I see you, and I want to help you rest.

This kind of inner dialogue might feel awkward at first, but it can be deeply regulating to your nervous system. It sends the message: I am here for myself now.

Step Four: Connect Where You Can (Without Forcing It)

Sometimes when we’re lonely, we feel pressure to fix it immediately—call a friend, get on social media, go to a party, do something. And while connection is important, it doesn’t always mean reaching out to others. Sometimes it means reconnecting with yourself first.

If you do want to reach out, try doing it in a way that feels safe and manageable. Maybe it’s texting someone just to say you’re thinking of them. Maybe it’s joining a small group or attending a class you care about. Try to focus on quality over quantity.

But if connection with others doesn’t feel accessible right now, that’s okay too. You can connect with nature, with your creativity, with your breath. You can read a book that makes you feel understood. You can write a letter to the part of you that feels most alone.

Step Five: Build Rituals of Nourishment

Loneliness can make everything feel gray and flat. One of the most powerful things you can do is start building small, nourishing rituals into your day—things that help your body feel alive and loved, even when your mind feels foggy.

That might look like:

• Making a cup of tea and drinking it slowly
• Wrapping yourself in a soft blanket
• Lighting a candle and playing music you love
• Going for a walk and noticing what feels beautiful
• Journaling without pressure, just to hear yourself think

These moments matter. They send a signal to your system: You are worthy of care.

Step Six: Get Support if You Need It

If your loneliness feels chronic or unbearable, it may be linked to unprocessed trauma or attachment wounds. Maybe you’ve never felt truly safe in relationships. Maybe you’ve learned to isolate to protect yourself. Maybe the people who were supposed to care for you simply didn’t know how.

You don’t have to unpack all of that alone. Trauma therapy—especially EMDR and IFS—can help you understand where these patterns come from and start to change them. It can help you build a relationship with yourself that feels supportive, kind, and safe.

A Final Thought

Loneliness doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be alone. It means there are parts of you that need more care, more presence, more gentleness.

If you’re ready to explore trauma therapy and reconnect with yourself in a deeper way, my practice offers EMDR and IFS therapy for women who are ready to stop running from the pain and start healing it. You don’t have to do it all alone.

Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.