If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, Why am I the one putting in all the effort?, you’re not alone. It may feel like you’re always working to repair things after a fight, always trying to plan dates or connect, always initiating sex or doing all the household chores.
And while we all know that relationships go through seasons—times when things feel balanced and connected, and times when one person feels like they’re carrying more of the emotional or logistical weight—that doesn’t stop these times from feeling frustrating and lonely.
If you’re feeling like you’re the one doing all the heavy lifting in you’re relationship, this post will describe how you can work through this issue with self awareness, communication, and support.
Begin Couples TherapyAre You Really Doing More, or Just Doing More in Your Way?
Before assuming your partner isn’t putting in effort, it can help to pause and reflect. Often, partners contribute in different ways—one might be more emotionally expressive, initiating conversations about feelings and connection, while the other expresses care through actions, problem-solving, or providing stability.
For example, maybe you’re the one planning date nights, initiating deep conversations, or making sure conflicts are addressed, while your partner takes care of finances, practical household tasks, or provides steady emotional grounding. If their way of contributing doesn’t match yours, it can feel like you’re carrying more of the weight, even if they’re also invested in the relationship. We tend to give love in the ways we’d like to receive it, so sometimes we don’t recognize all the ways our partner may be contributing.
That said, if you truly are taking on more than your fair share—whether it’s emotional labor, household tasks, or navigating relationship conflicts—it makes sense that you’d feel exhausted and even resentful. The key is to figure out what’s really happening so you can move toward a healthier balance together.
Why Relationship Effort Can Feel Unequal
There are many reasons why one person may feel like they’re working harder in the relationship. Here are a few common ones:
- Different Backgrounds & Models of Love – The way we learned about relationships growing up can impact how we show up as adults. If one partner grew up in a household where emotional connection was openly discussed and the other did not, their levels of engagement may look different and as a result, they may not take on as much emotional labor in the relationship.
- Trauma & Attachment Patterns – Past wounds can shape how we participate in relationships. If you have an anxious attachment style, you may naturally put in more effort to secure the connection, while a partner with avoidant tendencies might struggle to engage in the same way. Avoidant partners may be more likely to feel comfortable with acts of service, physical touch, or gift giving.
- Stress & External Pressures – Work, family responsibilities, mental health struggles, or other life stressors can affect how much energy someone has to give. If your partner is overwhelmed in another area of life, they might not be disengaging from you, but simply feeling drained overall.
- Unspoken Expectations – Sometimes, we expect our partner to show love in the ways we would, without realizing that their way of showing love is different. This can lead to feeling unappreciated or unseen.
- Relationship Burnout – If you’ve been the one consistently doing the emotional work in the relationship—bringing up issues, initiating conversations, seeking closeness—it makes sense that you’d feel drained over time. No one wants to feel like they’re alone in maintaining the relationship.
How to Navigate Feeling Like You’re Doing More
If you’ve been feeling like the weight of the relationship is on your shoulders, it’s important to explore what’s going on—and to communicate it in a way that fosters understanding rather than blame.
1. Get Clear on What You Need
Before approaching your partner, take some time to reflect. What exactly feels imbalanced? Are you doing more of the emotional labor? More of the practical day-to-day work? More of the conflict resolution? Getting specific and being able to ask for what you need will help you express your feelings in a way that invites collaboration rather than defensiveness.
2. Communicate with Curiosity, Not Criticism
Instead of saying, I do everything and you do nothing, try something like:
- I’ve been feeling like I’m putting in a lot of effort to keep us connected, and I’d love to understand how you see things.
- I really want us to feel like we’re both showing up for this relationship. Can we talk about how we each express effort and what feels good to both of us?
This approach creates space for an open conversation rather than triggering defensiveness.
3. Recognize & Appreciate Their Effort
Even if you feel like you’re doing more, try to notice what your partner is contributing. Maybe they aren’t as emotionally expressive, but they show love in other ways—by fixing things around the house, offering practical support, or being reliable in stressful moments. Recognizing these efforts—and expressing how much you appreciate them—can help you feel less alone and can also encourage them to engage more.
4. Discuss What Feels Good Moving Forward
If the imbalance is real and ongoing, it’s worth having a conversation about what would feel more sustainable. This might mean:
- Dividing household or emotional labor differently so that one person isn’t always carrying the weight.
- Setting shared goals for emotional connection, like scheduling check-ins or quality time that feels meaningful to both partners. Maybe you make a goal to alternately come up with surprise dates or decide on a weekly quality time ritual.
- Seeking support if needed, whether that’s through couples therapy, self-reflection, or outside resources to help rebalance the relationship.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
If conversations about effort and balance keep leading to frustration or misunderstandings, couples therapy can be a powerful space to work through these issues. A therapist can help:
- Identify and shift unhelpful relationship patterns
- Understand how past experiences (including trauma) may be affecting your dynamic
- Create a space where both partners feel heard and validated
- Build tools for navigating emotional labor, communication, and balance in the relationship
From an attachment-based and trauma-informed perspective, it’s not just about fixing surface-level behaviors—it’s about understanding why you each show up in the ways you do and learning to co-create a partnership that feels secure and supportive for both of you.
Begin TherapyYou’re Not Alone—And You’re Not Wrong for Wanting More
It’s natural to crave balance, connection, and shared effort in a relationship. If you’ve been feeling like you’re the only one trying, know that this doesn’t necessarily mean your partner doesn’t care—it may just mean they express effort differently, or that there are underlying dynamics worth exploring together.
Relationships are a journey, and feeling like you’re carrying more than your fair share doesn’t mean you’re doomed—it just means it’s time for a conversation, some reflection, and perhaps a new way of working together.
If you and your partner are struggling with this dynamic, couples therapy can help you find clarity, deepen your understanding of each other, and create a relationship that feels more balanced and fulfilling for both of you.
Are you ready for support? I offer online couples therapy for clients in Colorado. If you’re feeling stuck in patterns of imbalance or struggling to communicate your needs, let’s talk. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation today to take the first step toward a stronger, more connected relationship
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Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.
