How to Stop Beating Yourself Up

*This post is an update on this post about getting out of the shame spiral.

You Know You’re Too Hard on Yourself, But You Can’t Seem to Stop

Logically, you know that beating yourself up isn’t helping you achieve more, be a better friend or partner, or have more confidence. You’d never talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself, and often beat yourself up over the fact that you beat yourself up!

In fact, you know that you’re smart, self-aware, maybe even the person others turn to for wisdom and support. You’re a feminist and hate the fact that women beat themselves up for not doing and being enough. And yet, when it comes to your own mistakes and your own struggles, your inner critic comes in swinging.

Maybe it sounds like this:

• Why can’t you be less sensitive?
• You should be doing more.
• Everyone else seems to handle being overwhelmed better than you do.
• If you let yourself off the hook or take a break, everything will fall apart.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone and you don’t have to be stuck in this pattern forever. You can stop beating yourself up without losing your drive, without falling apart, and without forcing yourself into toxic positivity.

Why You’re So Hard on Yourself

That inner critic has a job that it probably started doing a very long time ago. It might be trying to keep you safe from criticism, make sure you’re worthy and lovable, make sure you succeed, or help you avoid rejection. And if you grew up believing that love, safety, or belonging were tied to being good or doing everything right, it makes sense that this voice would be so loud.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we think of this as a protective part of you. This part learned somewhere along the way that the best way to keep you from failing, disappointing others, or getting hurt was to be hypervigilant. This may show up as this part constantly criticizing you, pushing you, and demanding more.

This part probably played a very important role in protecting you a long time ago in your life. The problem comes when that part is over functioning now and doesn’t recognize that it’s still protecting a very capable adult.

Step One: Get Curious About Your Inner Critic and Offer It Gratitude

Instead of trying to shove that critical voice away or argue with it, try getting to know it and welcoming it in. This doesn’t mean believing everything the inner critic tells you, but rather seeing it as if it were an anxious kid.

The next time you catch yourself spiraling into self-judgment, pause. Ask:

• What is this part of me afraid of?
• What does this part want for me?
• What does it think will happen if I don’t push myself so hard?
• Where did it learn this message?
• When did this part start doing this job and why did it have to?
• Have there been ways that this part has really helped me in the past?
• How old does this part think that I am?

Most of the time, this part of you is trying (in a really harsh way) to help. Maybe it thinks if you stop being so hard on yourself, you’ll fail. Maybe it’s trying to protect you from shame. Maybe it learned, a long time ago, that self-criticism was the only way to feel in control.

The more you listen, the more you’ll understand and feel compassion for this part.

Step Two: Reassure the Part of You That’s Trying So Hard

Once you’ve noticed that inner critical voice, the next step is to turn toward it with compassion. That part of you formed for a reason—it probably helped you survive hard things. Maybe it learned to work overtime trying to keep you safe, get approval, or avoid rejection.

Now, instead of pushing it away or trying to silence it, try acknowledging it with grace and gratitude. Let it know: I see you. I know you’ve been working really hard for a long time. Thank you for protecting me. Then gently remind it: I’m an adult now. I’m safe. I’m loved. I’ve survived. You may not have had any evidence of that as a kid, but you do now. Let this part know it can rest—that you’ve got things moving forward, but you still may need its help with little things, like motivation for a big project. Ask it if there’s a different role it wants to take on in your system.

This kind of self-talk is reparenting yourself. It’s a way to meet old wounds with the compassion and safety they never had.

Step Three: Recognize That Self-Compassion Won’t Make You Lazy

A lot of high-achieving, thoughtful, ambitious women worry that if they stop being so hard on themselves, they’ll just collapse into a puddle of apathy. That if they’re not pushing themselves, everything will fall apart.

But the research (and real-life experience) says otherwise. People who practice self-compassion are more motivated, not less. They’re better at bouncing back from mistakes. They take more meaningful risks. They actually enjoy life more because they’re not constantly dragging themselves through it.

Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean giving up. It means you get to succeed without suffering through constant self-punishment.

Step Four: Soothing the Parts That Are Scared to Let Go

If your self-criticism is deeply ingrained, it probably won’t disappear overnight. That’s okay. But you can start by acknowledging that these parts of you—these critical, harsh voices—are just scared. They’re trying to help in the only way they know how.

Instead of fighting them, try saying:

• I see you. I know you’re trying to protect me.
• Thank you for working so hard, but I don’t need you to be so loud right now.
• I am safe. I am enough. I don’t have to earn my worth.

Over time, these protective parts can learn to trust that you can be kind to yourself and still be okay.

Step Five: Get Support (Because You Don’t Have to Do This Alone)

Sometimes, breaking free from self-criticism takes more than just self-reflection. If you’ve been beating yourself up for years, therapy can help you untangle where these patterns came from, heal old wounds, and build a relationship with yourself that feels nourishing instead of punishing.

IFS therapy and EMDR therapy are both powerful ways to work through the deep-rooted beliefs that keep you stuck in self-judgment. They help you move beyond just knowing you should be kinder to yourself—and actually feeling it in your bones.

You Are Already Enough (Even If You Don’t Believe It Yet)

You don’t have to keep living under the weight of self-criticism. You don’t have to prove yourself, push yourself to exhaustion, or carry around shame like it’s part of your identity.

You are enough. Right now. As you are.

And if you need help believing that, therapy can help.

If you’re ready to break free from the cycle of self-judgment and step into a more compassionate, supportive relationship with yourself, I’d love to help. Contact me today to learn more about IFS therapy and EMDR therapy, and let’s work together to help you feel like you again.

Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.