How to Interrupt the Negative Cycle in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships

If you’ve ever found yourself in a pattern with your partner where one of you starts to get anxious and pursue, while the other shuts down or pulls away, you’re not alone. This dynamic—commonly known as the anxious-avoidant cycle in couples therapy—is incredibly common in relationships, especially when there’s been emotional wounding in the past. And while it can feel painful and confusing, it’s not a sign that something is wrong with you or your relationship or you shouldn’t be together. It’s a sign that your nervous systems are doing what they’ve learned to do to stay safe.

From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, these negative cycles aren’t about bad behavior or personality flaws—they’re about unmet attachment needs and protective strategies that developed for a reason. The good news is that with awareness, compassion, and new tools, you can interrupt the cycle and start to experience more connection and safety with each other.

Recognizing the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle

First, let’s name what this cycle often looks like:

• One partner feels disconnected or unsure and starts seeking reassurance—maybe through asking a lot of questions, bringing up issues, or trying to get closer.
• The other partner starts to feel overwhelmed or like they’re failing, and they shut down or withdraw to self-regulate.
• The more one partner pulls away, the more anxious the other person gets, and the more they try to get their needs met—and vice versa.

This cycle is painful for both people. The anxious partner often feels abandoned, rejected, or unimportant. The avoidant partner often feels criticized, inadequate, or like nothing they do is enough.

From the outside, it might look like they’re working against each other—but inside, both people are trying to protect themselves from hurt.

The Role of the Nervous System

This cycle isn’t just happening in your mind—it’s happening in your body. When we feel disconnected from someone we love, it can activate our attachment system, which is tied directly to our nervous system. We go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses depending on what we’ve learned is safest.

• Anxious responses often look like fight or fawn—moving toward the other person in hopes of reconnecting or repairing.
• Avoidant responses often look like flight or freeze—moving away to calm down or avoid more hurt.

Both are understandable and rooted in survival. Neither means you or your partner are broken.

How to Interrupt the Cycle

Here are some strategies to gently shift out of the cycle, drawn from EFT and nervous system-informed practices:

1. Name the Cycle Together

One of the most powerful first steps is simply being able to name what’s happening. Instead of seeing each other as the problem, you begin to see the cycle as the problem.

Try saying:

• “I think we’re stuck in that loop again—where I get anxious and you pull away.”
• “This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. I think it means we both feel scared and disconnected.”

Naming the cycle turns you into teammates facing a common challenge, rather than opponents. If you or your partner is having trouble identifying your cycle, couples therapy can help.

2. Pause and Breathe

When the cycle is activated, both nervous systems are likely dysregulated. You can’t connect from a place of survival mode.

Take a short pause. Agree to come back together after a walk, a shower, or some deep breathing. You’re not avoiding each other—you’re giving your bodies the chance to come back into regulation so you can reconnect more safely.

3. Speak From the Soft Emotion

Instead of leading with criticism, demands, or shutdowns, try to drop into the softer, more vulnerable emotion underneath. EFT calls this primary emotion—the real feeling driving your reaction.

Examples:

• “I got critical earlier, but the truth is I felt scared you didn’t want to be close to me.”
• “I shut down because I felt like I was failing again and I didn’t know how to fix it.”

These softer truths invite empathy and connection. They help your partner see the human underneath the reaction.

4. Practice Soothing Your Own System

While it’s true that we heal in connection, it also helps to have tools to regulate your own nervous system in the moment.

If you tend toward anxious pursuit:

• Try placing a hand on your heart and reminding yourself you’re okay, even in the discomfort
• Name your need without demanding an immediate fix: “I’m feeling a little anxious and could use some reassurance when you’re ready.”

If you tend toward withdrawal:

• Remind yourself that you’re not being attacked—you’re being needed
• Try grounding into your body with slow breaths or pressing your feet into the floor before responding

5. Return and Repair

If things went off the rails, it’s okay. What matters is how you come back together.

Repair can sound like:

• “I’m sorry I got defensive. I think I felt overwhelmed, but I do care and want to work through this.”
• “Thanks for giving me space earlier. I feel more ready to talk now.”

Repairs help your nervous systems learn that conflict doesn’t mean disconnection forever. It’s a powerful antidote to old attachment wounds.

6. Get Curious, Not Critical

When you notice yourself spiraling into the cycle, try pausing and getting curious.

• What might my partner be feeling right now?
• What is this reaction trying to protect?
• What do I really need right now, and can I ask for that gently and speaking from my own primary emotion?

Curiosity helps shift the dynamic from defensiveness to empathy.

Healing Through New Experiences

Every time you interrupt the cycle—even just a little—you’re creating a new experience for your nervous system. One where love doesn’t mean abandonment, disconnection doesn’t mean danger, and conflict doesn’t mean catastrophe.

These small shifts build trust, safety, and connection over time. They show the scared parts of you that it’s safe to be seen, to ask for what you need, to be close without losing yourself.

And that’s what secure connection is all about—not perfection, but safety.

Therapy Can Help Shift the Cycle

If you and your partner are stuck in this cycle and struggling to shift it on your own, you’re not failing and couples therapy can help shift your dynamic. This work is hard—and you don’t have to do it alone.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you identify the cycle, understand each other’s attachment needs, and create new, healing experiences of connection. It’s not about blaming or fixing—it’s about creating safety so your love has room to grow.

If you live in Colorado or Florida and you’re interested in trauma informed couples therapy, I’d love to help. Reach out today for a free consultation.

Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.