How to Communicate Your Needs To Your Partner In An Assertive Yet Loving Way

The Silent Treatment Hurts Everyone

Most of us weren’t handed a step-by-step guide on how to communicate our needs in relationships. Instead, we learned by trial and error, maybe by stuffing our feelings down until they exploded in a very regrettable, tear-filled argument over something that definitely wasn’t about the dishes. (But also… maybe a little bit about the dishes.)

And so, we hold in our needs, hoping to avoid conflict, or when we do express our needs, we’re triggered and aren’t operating from our ‘highest self.’

If you tend to hold in your needs until you reach a boiling point—or you worry that expressing them will just lead to a fight—you’re not alone. Many of us were taught that advocating for ourselves is selfish, that others will hurt us if we express our needs, or that love means putting others first.

The truth is that not communicating your needs is the fastest way to grow resentment, and resentment leads to the slow death of intimacy. So let’s talk about how to actually express what you need in a way that your partner can hear (and respond to) without everything turning into a battle.

Why We Struggle to Express Our Needs

Before we dive into the how, let’s acknowledge why expressing our needs is hard in the first place. Here are some common reasons you (and women especially) might struggle to say what you need:

• You don’t want to be “too much.” You worry that asking for support, affection, or change will make you seem needy or high-maintenance.
• You assume your partner should just know. (Spoiler: They won’t. No matter how much they love you, they cannot read your mind and probably don’t think like you.)
• You’re afraid of rejection. It’s very normal to worry that you could put yourself out there and your partner won’t respond the way you want. Of course, this is possible and is why making the decision to express your needs is brave and vulnerable. But it’s also an opportunity to grow closer to your partner and to show yourself that you can trust in yourself to handle whatever response you get.
• You were taught that conflict is bad. Growing up, you may have seen conflict become scary or explosive, so you try to avoid it at all costs.

If this sounds familiar, the good news is that all of it is fixable. You can learn to express your needs in a way that brings you closer rather than pushing you apart.

Step One: Get Clear on What You Actually Need

If you’ve been pushing down your needs for a while, you might not even know exactly what they are anymore. Start by checking in with yourself. Ask:

• What am I feeling resentful about?
• What do I secretly wish my partner would do without me having to ask?
• What do I need more of to feel loved and supported?

Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in what our partner isn’t doing that we forget to clarify what we do want. The clearer you are with yourself, the easier it’ll be to be clear with your partner.

Step Two: Use “I” Statements (And Ditch the Blame)

The quickest way to get someone defensive is to start your sentence with “You never” or “You always.” Even if you’re 100% right, your partner will immediately feel attacked and stop listening. Instead, try framing it in a way that keeps the focus on your experience.

Compare these two statements:

❌ “You never listen to me! You don’t even care what I have to say.”

✅ “When you look at your phone while I’m sharing something important, I feel unheard because I really need to feel like you’re engaged when we talk.”

See the difference? One invites an argument, the other invites connection.

Step Three: Pick Your Timing Wisely

If your partner is rushing out the door, staring at their phone, or in the middle of a work crisis, it may not be the best time to bring up your deep emotional needs. Instead, try choosing a moment when you’re both calm and relaxed and are able to look at each other. Share that something has been bothering you and get right to the point. You don’t need to apologize or shield them from your feelings.

Step Four: Be Open to Their Perspective

Just because you’re expressing your needs doesn’t mean your partner will immediately agree or know what to do. They might need time to process or even have feelings about what you’re asking, and that’s okay.

Instead of expecting an instant solution, aim for acknowledgment. If they seem defensive, you can even ask: “Hey, what’s coming up for you right now?” This keeps the conversation from turning into a debate and makes it a two-way street.

Step Five: Acknowledge Effort (Even If It’s Not Perfect)

Your partner is human. They might not get it exactly right, but if they try, that’s worth recognizing. Saying “I really appreciate you making an effort with this” goes a long way in reinforcing positive change. (Way more than pointing out all the ways they’re still getting it wrong.) Acknowledge the good things they are doing, and remember that you are training this person how to treat you. In this training process, positive reinforcement is necessary.

You Can Do This (And It’s Helpful For Your Partner, Too)

Communicating your needs isn’t selfish. It’s actually the thing that keeps relationships strong and resentment-free. By showing your true self and your needs to the person you love the most, you are giving that person an opportunity to show up for you and to actually know you. If you’re used to keeping everything bottled up, it will feel uncomfortable at first, but so does holding everything in until you explode or hiding your true feelings from your partner.

And remember: You deserve to be heard, and your needs matter. Think about if and how you’d like your partner to share their feelings with you and reassure yourself that you are strong and can handle whatever response that you get. Your future, resentment-free self will thank you.

If you need help with couples therapy or with unblocking the parts that are scared to ask for what you need, therapy can help! Reach out for a free 20 minute phone consultation today.

Emma Kobil is a trauma therapist practicing online with feminist women and thoughtful couples in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women and couples heal. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.