If you find yourself stuck in your own mind, overanalyzing every situation, conversation, decision, outfit and meal you’ve eaten…you’re not alone. Maybe you’ve been told by others that you’re “too in your head,” that you’re an ‘overthinker’ or that you intellectualize everything. And deep down, you agree—but you’re not sure what to do about it.

If you’re anything like most of my clients and myself at some points, you might feel disconnected from your emotions, as though they’re locked away somewhere you can’t quite reach. As a high-achieving, perfectionistic woman, you likely excel at problem-solving and critical thinking, but when it comes to your feelings, it’s like you just can’t access them. If this resonates with you, EMDR therapy could be exactly what you need to bridge the gap between your mind and body.

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Understanding Why We Overthink

Many women that I work with who are high achievers rely on their intellect as a way to navigate the world. This makes sense—your ability to analyze and solve problems has likely been a source of success and recognition. For myself, teachers and my father praised me for my intellect and connected with me over books, writing, and interest in the arts.

But sometimes, this very helpful skill of intellectualizing can become a barrier. Overthinking is often a way to avoid feeling vulnerable emotions. Instead of sitting with discomfort, you might analyze it, trying to understand or rationalize your way out of it.

This might look like you being able to talk about your childhood trauma till your blue in the face without shedding a tear, but then finding yourself in the midst of an anxiety attack when you get caught in traffic on your way to work.

As noted above, not feeling your feelings is a coping mechanism that may have roots in past experiences. Perhaps you grew up in an environment where feelings weren’t validated or where being strong and self-sufficient was the only option. This adaptive skill could have worked to save your life or protect you from drowning in feelings that you were too young and vulnerable to process on your own. This was incredibly smart and scrappy of you!

Over time, you probably learned that staying in your head felt safer than allowing emotions to surface. The problem is, this disconnect from your emotions can lead to anxiety, self-criticism, and even physical symptoms like tension, fatigue, or digestive issues (your unfelt emotions may literally be making you sick!).

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How EMDR Therapy Works

EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a powerful therapy designed to help you process and heal from past experiences that are still affecting you today. Unlike traditional talk therapy, EMDR doesn’t require you to “talk it all out” or figure out every detail of what’s bothering you. Instead, it focuses on helping your brain and body work together to process stuck memories and beliefs.

Here’s how it works: During an EMDR session, you’ll focus on a specific memory or belief while engaging in bilateral stimulation, such as following a moving object with your eyes or tapping alternately on each hand. This process helps your brain reprocess the memory, reducing the emotional charge it carries and allowing you to integrate it in a healthier way.

Why EMDR Therapy Is Awesome for Women Who Intellectualize

If you’re someone who intellectualizes, EMDR can help you bypass the mental overanalysis and connect more directly with your emotions. Here’s why it’s so effective:

1. A Body-Based Approach: EMDR works with the body’s natural processing system. Even if you’re not fully aware of your emotions, your body remembers them. EMDR taps into that stored information, helping you release it without needing to fully verbalize or rationalize it.
2. Breaking the Loop: For overthinkers, it’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of “why am I like this?” or “what’s wrong with me?” EMDR interrupts this cycle, allowing your brain to process and resolve the underlying issues instead of looping through them endlessly.
3. Gentle and Gradual: EMDR meets you where you are. You don’t need to have all the answers or even fully understand what’s causing your distress. The process helps uncover and resolve layers of experience in a way that feels manageable and safe. Furthermore, when combined with a compassionate approach like IFS, it allows your parts to guide the show in a way that allows them to feel seen and comfortable.

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The Benefits of EMDR Therapy for Overthinkers

The women I work with who have gone through EMDR often report feeling lighter and more grounded. They describe a sense of clarity and calm that wasn’t accessible before. Here are just a few ways EMDR can transform your life:

• Reduced Anxiety: Instead of being stuck in an endless loop of overthinking, you’ll feel more present and able to engage with life.
• Greater Emotional Awareness: You’ll begin to notice and honor your emotions instead of brushing them aside or analyzing them away.
• Improved Self-Compassion: EMDR can help quiet your inner critic and replace it with a kinder, more understanding voice.
• Physical Relief: Many clients experience reduced physical symptoms like muscle tension, headaches, or stomach issues as they release stored emotional stress.

A Path to Deeper Connection

As you work through EMDR, you’ll start to reconnect with parts of yourself that have been buried under layers of overthinking and self-criticism. You might find it easier to set boundaries, communicate your needs, and truly relax. Heck, I’ve had clients leave abusive marriages, quit awful jobs and start their own businesses, or decide to travel the world.

Most importantly, EMDR will help you begin to trust yourself and your emotions in a way that feels deeply empowering.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you’re tired of feeling disconnected from your emotions and overwhelmed by your own thoughts, EMDR therapy could be the change you’ve been searching for. You don’t have to keep carrying the weight of anxiety, self-doubt, and overthinking on your own.

Let’s work together to help you find relief and reconnect with yourself in a way that feels authentic and lasting. Schedule your free 20-minute consultation today, and let’s explore how EMDR can support you on your journey to healing.

Begin EMDR Therapy

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Emma Kobil is a licensed professional counselor practicing online in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women practice self compassion. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.

If you’re a high achieving woman like many of my clients, you’re no stranger to hard work, ambition, and the drive to excel. As someone who fought tooth and nail to achieve valedictorian status in college (I came in number two to my boyfriend, ugh!), I get it. My clients are top executives, busy moms, caretakers, and busy nurses and care takers who have struggled with overloading and overworking themselves to the point of exhaustion.

But what happens when the pressure to succeed leads to exhaustion, emotional overwhelm, and a sense of never feeling “good enough”?

This is high-achiever burnout, and it’s incredibly common in women given the fact that society holds us to impossible standards.

The good news? There’s a way to break free, heal, and reclaim your life: EMDR therapy.

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What Is High-Achiever Burnout?

High-achiever burnout goes beyond ordinary stress. It’s a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that often stems from perfectionism, people-pleasing, and an unrelenting drive to prove yourself. You may feel:

• Constantly tired, even after rest
• Overwhelmed by tasks that used to feel manageable
• Always on edge and like you can never relax
• Disconnected from your passions and purpose
• Trapped in a cycle of self-criticism and overwork
• Guilty when you do try to relax

Sound familiar? These symptoms often point to deeper patterns rooted in your past experiences and beliefs—and this is where EMDR can make a difference.

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How EMDR Therapy Works

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a powerful, evidence-based therapy that helps you process and heal from unresolved trauma, negative beliefs, and deep rooted emotional pain. Unlike traditional talk therapy, EMDR focuses on how your brain stores and processes memories, allowing you to address the root causes of your burnout more directly.

During an EMDR session, you’ll:

• Identify the memories or beliefs contributing to your burnout (e.g., “I’m only worthy if I’m successful or contributing”).
• Use bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements or tapping, to help your brain reprocess these memories (i.e. actually feel your feelings rather than simply intellectualizing them!)
• Replace negative beliefs with more empowering ones, like “I’m enough, just as I am.”

This process helps reduce the emotional charge around painful experiences, freeing you from the patterns that keep you stuck.

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Why EMDR Therapy Is Perfect for High-Achievers

High-achievers often carry deeply ingrained beliefs about their worth being tied to their performance. These beliefs can stem from:

• Childhood experiences, such as feeling pressure to excel or earn approval.
• Workplace environments that reward overwork and perfectionism.
• Cultural or societal messages about success and self-worth.

EMDR helps uncover and heal these underlying issues, so you can:

• Let go of the guilt and shame that fuel your burnout.
• Reclaim your sense of self-worth, independent of your achievements.
• Develop healthier boundaries and work-life balance.

Many of my high achieving clients were taught to intellectualize their feelings and leave their bodies. EMDR therapy helps my clients feel and process through the feelings in their bodies rather than simply intellectualizing their experiences and staying stuck.

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What to Expect During EMDR for Burnout

In therapy, we’ll work together to:

1. Identify the Root Causes: Explore the experiences and beliefs driving your burnout. Are you stuck in the same cycle, for example, because you were expected to earn love as a kid?
2. Strengthen Your Coping Skills: Build emotional resilience and grounding techniques to feel more stable. We’ll create a container, a safe place, and allies for you to call upon between our sessions to help you calm your body and mind.
3. Process and Heal: Use EMDR to reprocess the memories and beliefs keeping you stuck in burnout. We move the trauma through your system and help you store trauma as a long term memory.
4. Create New Patterns: Cultivate a healthier relationship with work, rest, and self-compassion.

You’ll start to notice a shift in how you approach challenges. Instead of feeling driven by fear or self-criticism, you’ll find space for joy, creativity, and balance.

The Benefits of EMDR for Burnout

• Faster Relief: EMDR often helps clients see results more quickly than traditional talk therapy. Seriously, I’ve had clients feel better within 1 session of processing!
• Lasting Change: By addressing the root causes, EMDR promotes deep, lasting healing.
• Improved Self-Compassion: Learn to treat yourself with kindness and understanding, even when things don’t go perfectly.
• More Balance: Create a life that aligns with your values, rather than one driven by external expectations.

Heal From Burnout

Ready to Reclaim Your Life?

If you’re ready to break free from high-achiever burnout and start living with more ease and authenticity, EMDR can help. As an experienced EMDR therapist, I’m here to guide you through this transformative process. Let’s work together to heal the patterns holding you back and help you rediscover the joy and fulfillment you deserve.

Schedule a free 20-minute consultation today to learn more about how EMDR can support your journey to healing and balance.

Schedule Here

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Emma Kobil is a licensed professional counselor practicing online in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women practice self compassion. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.

If You Have Anxiety: You Are Not Alone

Do you ever experience the kind of anxiety that keeps you awake at night? The kind of anxiety where your heart is racing, you’re wired and exhausted at the same time, you can’t stop checking your phone, and you can’t focus on anything but you also feel paralyzed? Maybe you’re considering anxiety therapy because you just can’t manage your anxiety on your own.

If this is you, I want to tell you that you are not alone, that this feeling will not last forever, and that many stressors, both positive and negative, can lead to feeling completely overwhelmed and shut down.

In fact, anxiety is a sign that your body and brain are trying to protect you from something it perceives as threatening…even if there IS no real threat there!

For example, I recently almost bought a preconstruction property and, even though I didn’t lose any money, the stress of even thinking about getting a downpayment together, losing my money, the lawyers, etc kept me in an anxious spiral for days.

Nothing bad happened, and much of my panic was wound up with excitement, but my body was in a complete state of fight or flight.

In this blog post, I am going to talk with you about why EMDR therapy is so good at treating anxiety and answer some common questions about how EMDR therapy works.

What Are The Symptoms of Anxiety?

Anxiety can feel like your body and brain are getting ready to face something scary or stressful, even if there’s no real danger. You might notice:

• Physical signs: Your heart races, your hands shake, or you feel sweaty or sick to your stomach. Some people feel like it’s hard to breathe, or like their chest is really tight.
• Mental signs: You might find yourself worrying a lot, even about little things, or your thoughts just won’t stop spinning. It can make it tough to focus, make decisions or sleep.
• Behavioral signs: Sometimes, anxiety makes people avoid things—like places, conversations, or activities—because they feel overwhelming.

Feeling anxious once in a while, like before a presentation or big social event, is totally normal. But if it’s happening a lot or stopping you from doing things, it’s a good idea to reach out for support.

The kind of anxiety that prevents you from living your life is often a sign of unprocessed trauma that’s stored in the body. This is exactly what EMDR therapy helps you to heal and release.

How Effective is EMDR Therapy?

• One study found that just three 90-minute EMDR sessions helped people reduce their trauma symptoms significantly.
• Another study compared EMDR to fluoxetine (Prozac), a medication used to treat PTSD. People who did EMDR had better and longer-lasting results than those who relied on the medication alone.

EMDR Therapy Can Help Anxiety

While EMDR is best known for treating trauma, it can also help with anxiety. By working through memories or feelings that contribute to anxiety, EMDR helps the brain process them in a way that makes them less overwhelming.

In EMDR Therapy, I work with clients to help them heal so that they are less triggered by life stressors. After EMDR therapy, my clients don’t feel as overwhelmed or nervous, they know what to do when anxiety comes up, and they are less hard on themselves.

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How Does EMDR Therapy Help With Anxiety?

If you’ve researched EMDR therapy at all, you may have heard that it doesn’t only help with ‘Big T’ trauma (like going to war or sexual assault). In fact, anything unresolved can cause a stress response in the body that our body stores.

Anxiety is often linked to unresolved pain or distress from the past. EMDR therapy helps with anxiety by getting to the root of memories or experiences that may be fueling anxious feelings and helping you process through them. Here’s how EMDR helps:

1. Processing Stuck Memories: Sometimes, when we go through something intense or traumatic, our brain struggles to fully work through the experience. This can leave the memory feeling unresolved, which might lead to ongoing anxiety, as if the danger is still present. EMDR helps the brain revisit and process these memories, allowing them to feel less disruptive and no longer trigger anxious reactions.
2. Calming the Overwhelm: EMDR uses techniques like eye movements or gentle tapping to help reduce charged emotions. The memory remains, but it feels less overwhelming and more manageable.
3. Changing Negative Beliefs: Unhelpful beliefs such as “I’m unsafe” or “I can’t handle this” often accompany anxiety. EMDR works to replace these limiting thoughts with empowering ones, like “I am secure now” or “I can manage what comes my way.”
4. Soothing Stress And The Nervous System: By working through unresolved memories and their emotional impact, EMDR helps calm the body’s stress responses. Over time, this can reduce both the frequency and severity of anxiety symptoms, promoting a sense of balance.
5. Building Positive Connections: Beyond resolving triggers, EMDR strengthens feelings of safety and equips people with healthier coping mechanisms. This can reduce future anxiety and support overall emotional well-being.

EMDR therapy allows the brain to naturally process unresolved issues so past experiences don’t continue to overshadow the present, helping to ease anxiety and improve emotional resilience.

How Long Does EMDR Therapy Take To Work For Anxiety?

Though every person is different, my clients typically start to feel some major relief in about 6-8 sessions. For some people, they feel relief sooner. However, many of my clients like to continue the healing work once they begin because they realize that there are many deep wounds they want to work through.

Reach out for a free 15 minute consultation. I would love to talk with you about whether EMDR therapy is right for you.

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Emma Kobil is a licensed professional counselor practicing online in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women practice self compassion. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.

A lot of cognitive behavioral therapists will ask you to challenge unhelpful thoughts. If you feel like you’re an outsider or a burden, you should try to replace that thought with a different one.

So, “No one really wants to hang out with me,” might become, “I know that a few, really cool people value me.”

Our instinct as humans is to try to feel better as quickly as we can, and I believe that replacing an unhelpful thought can sometimes help us see the larger picture. For instance, it is DEFINITELY true that a few people value you and this can be a very helpful thing to remember when we are in despair and feeling lonely.

However, sometimes just replacing a thought can be a means of avoidance itself and can make us feel even more afraid.

When we are constantly pushing our ‘negative’ thoughts to the side and trying to replace these thoughts with new, more helpful thoughts, we are essentially telling our bodies that HAVING the negative thought itself is a problem or a threat.

In fact, it’s such a big threat that we need to IMMEDIATELY swoop down and DO SOMETHING so that our brains no longer believe such a horrible, scary, wrong thought that derails our whole life! In addition to fearing that no one wants to hang out with us, we now fear having the thought that no one wants to hang out with us. We start to think thoughts like, ‘if I believe that no one really wants to hang out with me for very long I am going to sabotage myself and become even more depressed and lonely. And if I’m lonely and depressed, that’s the energy I will project onto the world and fewer and fewer people will want to be around me!”

This is a one way ticket to a panic attack and a LOT of numbing behavior. Have you ever had this experience? Let me know in the comments below!

When we are having a thought, there is also a negative feeling that accompanies it, and the thought and feeling may be a way of our body trying to send us a message. For example, when we get curious about the thought that no one wants to hang out with us, we may find that, beneath it, we are feeling sad, lonely and isolated. Therapies like EMDR allow us to get in touch with our bodies and process whatever feelings are stuck. Get in touch if you’d like to see if EMDR therapy can help you!

By denying a thought or feeling or instantly go to replace it, we miss a really good opportunity to develop a deeper understanding of our bodies and what they’re needing.

Furthermore, constantly denying or replacing our thoughts leads us to develop a relationship of distrust and animosity with our own bodies. (THE VERY DISTRUST THAT THE PATRIARCHY HAS ENCOURAGED FOR CENTURIES, by the way). We become afraid of sitting with ourselves and our feelings.

And these ‘negative thoughts’ just get louder. For example, if a friend tried to send us a message that a bus is about to hit us and we didn’t listen and interrupted her or told her to shut up because we’re actually on a pedestrian only street, she would feel dismissed and like she didn’t matter. And then she would start to scream at you or try other ways to get your attention because she feels you aren’t hearing her.

It’s the same thing with ourselves.

Whatever we deny or brush aside tends to get stronger. If we listen deeply and investigate, we may hear our bodies trying to give us a message. I invite you to investigate how these thoughts developed as a way to protect you.

Maybe the part having this thought is afraid of being alone, or it’s hurting because of past trauma, or it’s needing to be creative and have joy. Maybe it’s actually needing some reassurance from you and it just wants to be seen.

Think of this part as a kid who is acting out as a way of getting your attention, and think about what it would mean to respond with curiosity, kindness and compassion. You don’t need to believe everything it’s telling you, but you can pick up on the underlying need beneath its words.

When the parts of ourselves all feel heard and welcome, they often feel more comfortable relaxing. Whatever we resist persists–whatever we soften towards can feel safe and heal.

In your healing journey, I invite you to notice and open to all parts of yourself, even the parts that feel hard to accept. They are all working hard to protect you, even if their message doesn’t correspond with reality.

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Emma Kobil is a licensed professional counselor practicing online in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women practice self compassion. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.

A friend and I were talking the other day about how on dates, she gets incredibly anxious.

Her voice cracks. Her heart is races and her face gets red. She feels like she ends up talking about the weather or oversharing about her past relationship trauma and then she judges herself and the way she sounds. Potential partners run the other way (in her mind). 

I can relate. As a kid, I used to hide from people when they came over (which was a lot because my parents were very social!). In grad school, I would turn to alcohol to help me be more ‘fun’ and take the edge off of being with a group of aspiring counselors I admired. 

The statistics show that we ALL experience social anxiety to one degree or another. Women or non binary folks who are more sensitive and perfectionistic experience social anxiety more often. And, let’s be honest, how could we NOT be anxious and perfectionistic in a society that tells us we should be anxious about being perfect all the time?! 

Even though it sucks that we live with so much social pressure, it’s not a BAD thing that we experience social anxiety. In fact, it shows that we are sensitive to the feelings of others and are desiring of being accepted and seen. We all want to be accepted and seen.

The 4 Things We Are Afraid Will Be Revealed

In How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, Ellen Hendriksen says that when we have social anxiety, we are afraid that one of these things about us will be revealed:

1. Our anxiety itself. We are afraid that people will hear our voice crack, see our hands shaking, see us sweating bullets and stumbling over our words.
2. Our appearance. We fear that people will recognize that gross pimple, think our clothes are weird, notice a chipped tooth or the fact that we’ve gained weight.
3. Our character. People will think that we have a bad personality, are inadequate, a loser, defective. They will think that we’re boring, not smart and not funny. Essentially, people will see that there really is something wrong with us.
4. Our social skills. We fear that people will see that we are embarrassingly awkward or boring, we have nothing interesting to say, our mind will go blank, we will be too quiet or confusing or boring

Which one of these do you find yourself fearing will be revealed about you? Reply below to let me know!

3 Tips For Working With Social Anxiety

1. Know that social anxiety is normal and is going to be there

We are mammals and our brains are wired to keep us safe. In our evolution, those of us that survived did not take risk, and those of us who did, died from eating poisonous berries. Fear is what kept our bodies safe for thousands of years and fear doesn’t instantly listen to our rational minds.

 As a result, isolating or hiding ourselves feels safe, and branching out of those patterns is about the scariest, most counterintuitive thing on the planet. We may know rationally that we won’t die if we go on a date or to a work happy hour, but our bodies believe otherwise and rail against us when we try to take risky feeling moves that help us grow.

Remember that fear is normal and is trying to keep you safe. But also remember that you don’t have to always let fear drive the bus.

 When I’m feeling especially afraid, I like to sit down with fear and have a conversation with my scared part. What is this fear trying to protect me from? How old does it think I am? What does it need from me in order to relax? Often times, just letting the fear know that it can be there and I’m here to listen to it really helps. Sometimes I listen and offer nurturing and reassurance (i.e. “I care about you, I’m here to listen, I’m going to do my best to meet your needs and to keep us safe,” etc.

Having social anxiety and attempting to perform isn’t something to be afraid of. Sometimes we begin to be AFRAID of the social anxiety and self doubt itself and try to make them go away. Being anxious is not a threat—is an emotion. Even with all of my anxiety blunting who I really was, I still made close friends in counseling grad school.

Secondly, I am here to tell you this, and I wish I could scream it from the rooftops:

2. You don’t need to be perfect to have a chosen family. 

Instead of focusing on the ways you are inadequate, try really focusing hard on the conversation you are having. Focus on other person rather than turning attention inward, rehearsing what you’re going to say next, or trying to hide what you are thinking and feeling. Ask questions of others, and take the pressure off of yourself to come up with a brilliant story or anecdote. 

Let go of all attempts to ‘save yourself’ or look good in a conversation. Despite what the patriarchy would have us think, people enjoy seeing vulnerability in others: they aren’t looking for perfection! 

Because, let’s face it, perfect people are boring, unrelatable, intimidating and fake as hell! 

Experiment with what it’s like to take the attention off of yourself and to have no pressure to show up a certain way. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend or a pet or a child you love. 

3. Third, nurture yourself.

You don’t need to be pushing yourself to be out there, making friends all the time, and it’s ok if the path to healing feels more like a zig zag than a straight line. Allow yourself time to rest and integrate all the steps you are taking to improve your life–and celebrate what you’re doing!

If you’d like help with being more gentle with yourself or overcoming anxiety, therapy can be a great option.

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Emma Kobil is a licensed professional counselor practicing in Colorado. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping feminist, perfectionist women practice self compassion. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.

It’s spring, and if you don’t want to see images of people with perfect bodies hiking amidst newly blooming flowers, jumping into the ocean and eating smoothie bowls, don’t look at the internet. Social media tells us that if we don’t have thinness, an ‘able’ body, tons of connection, vitality, and youth…what, why don’t we have all these things? We must be different (and we need to buy something in order to fix ourselves!).

This messaging is painful enough to experience when we feel well and emotionally supported. When we are suffering from physical limitations or illness, or are feeling badly about our bodies, this time of year that can feel especially lonely.

Do you notice that you are struggling to feel at home in your body or to feel like your body is enough? Do you notice yourself hyper fixating on some area of your body, comparing yourself, or feeling disconnected from others? Are you avoiding going out, obsessing over weight loss, body checking or avoiding mirrors, feeling unable to be intimate with your partner, or hiding yourself? Are you missing a ‘past you’ who was more active or able bodied? Let me know what you’re experiencing by commenting below.

If you are experiencing any of these things, I want to tell you that there is hope and help. The experience of not being at home in our bodies is so painful, and it can feel very vulnerable to talk about. Here are some tips for working with comparison and negative body image, and for coming back home to your body.

5 Tips to Overcome Negative Body Image

1. Remember that experiencing negative body image is an incredibly common experience and you aren’t alone.

I’m sad to say that I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t felt body shame at some point in her life (we will address more about why this is below). Having negative feelings about our bodies impacts every area of our lives, from our self confidence and desire to socialize, to our sex life, to our day to day happiness, to the way we eat and move. When we are caught in the throws of comparison, we feel less than, insecure, and it’s hard to focus on anything else.

Know that your pain is real but not unique. You have it because you are a human being who, at your core, wants to belong and be accepted. The deeper fear that belies negative body image is that we are different, we don’t fit in, we are unworthy, and we are going to be rejected. Social media influencers hijack this basic human need and exploit it so that we will buy more products.

Sometimes when we know that something is a part of our human conditioning, it can lose a bit of its power. There is no ‘real’ standard that makes a ‘good,’ ‘able’ or ‘attractive’ body. Even many people who appear to be in great health often still feel like they’re not doing ‘enough’ and probably feel negatively about their bodies from time to time. Remember that that they are vulnerable and will die and age and change, just like we all will. 

Whatever you are capable of right now, someone is always capable of less (or is dead). As our bodies age and change, they are capable of different things and they look different ways. At certain times in our lives, we may be more or less able and active, or we may just feel more called to rest. In fact you may be a sprite 18 year old and go through cancer, you may decide to take up cross country running in your 70s. Listen to what your body needs and trust it.

2. Remember that the images we see on tv, social media and the internet are not real.

I probably don’t even need to mention the fact that most of what we see on social media is edited/filtered/posed, and only acts as a small picture of the entirety of angles from which we may view a body. There are entire instagram accounts devoted to exposing the lies that social media feeds us (see Danae Mercer for a reminder).

How can we not feel badly about ourselves when we are bombarded with unrealistic images and standards? Filters on social media are designed to show tiny waists, perky butts and boobs, flawless skin, flat tummies, and toned muscles. Social media doesn’t show us behind-the-scenes-eating disorders, cellulite, unflattering angles, postpartum baby fat, and the post-processing the photo has gone through. Remember that you are not seeing a real human body with social media—just as you’re not seeing real sex when you’re looking at porn.

Furthermore, beauty standards are always changing—what is considered attractive one day is out the next. No ‘beauty standard’ holds a monopoly on attractiveness, and beauty comes from so much more than a physical body. Think about the things you find beautiful in the people you love the most–is it their waists, muscles or great butt? Or do you see beauty in the way they show love for you, their kindness, their laugh?

It’s hard to recognize when our brains have been hijacked. When we see images that show us that we are different, our brains conclude that we aren’t enough (see this post on the negativity bias). You may want to consider cutting down on your social media usage as a kindness to yourself and your hyper fixated anxious brain. 

3. The story that you aren’t doing enough and that your body is wrong has been finely crafted by the patriarchy to keep women feeling small.

Diet culture is a mode that the patriarchy uses to control women. Naomi Wolf wrote in The Beauty Myth, “A culture fixated on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty, but an obsession about female obedience. Dieting is the most potent political sedative in women’s history; a quietly mad population is a tractable one.” 

The patriarchy puts moral value on food—the less we eat and smaller we are, the more obedient we are, the less space we take up, the fewer needs we have. We diminish ourselves in order fit an ideal perpetuated by centuries of white patriarchal culture, and are therefore falling in line with ideals created by men to keep women both docile and spending money.

All the most popular ‘fad diets’ have been created by white men.  Many workouts advertise that they keep women ‘long and lean’ and prevent bulking. Our world is designed to keep women feeling inadequate, and many of us have internalized the messaging of the patriarchy.

“Diet culture” exploded during a time when women earned the right to vote, and then again in the 1960s when women were rising up with the second wave of feminism.  During both these times, a thin, twig like figure was in vogue. In The Beauty Myth, Naomi Wolf writes, “when women came en masse into male spheres, that pleasure [of a woman enjoying her natural fullness] had to be overridden by an urgent social expedient that would make women’s bodies into the prisons that their homes no longer were.”

The beauty myth can feel so compelling because we read it everywhere we look. However, health, happiness, and love truly come in all sizes. This is one of the most powerful things you can remember when you’re in the throws of negative body image. Wolf points out that thin people are not happier, do not have more love, and are not ‘healthier’ than large ones. Many studies have revealed that a lower BMI doesn’t correlate to higher levels of happiness, connection, or even health. The ability to relax and connect are the things that truly bring us happiness–and we can’t do these things when we are in caught in a trance of unworthiness.

4. Be gentle with yourself during emotional and physical healing.

It isn’t your fault that you don’t like your body right now and it also isn’t your fault if you can’t be grateful for your body. You are literally being ‘fed’ lies that you are inadequate everywhere you look. 

Think about what you would say to a child of yours that was feeling this right now. Would you make them get up and run, or would you help them rest and honor what their body was needing? Bodies will respond better and heal faster if we treat them with kindness. No growth or healing happens with being forceful or pushing.

Allow yourself to listen to inspiring podcasts, read books about body kindness, cry, or call a friend. Think about all the things that your body has allowed you to do—hike mountains, fall in love, get through graduate school, birth a child, listen to beautiful music–but don’t force yourself to try to believe things that don’t resonate with you.

Ask your body what it’s needing from you right now—is rest, acceptance, gentle movement, appreciation?—and see if you can give your body what it’s asking for without judgment. If you need help with how to begin the healing process, reach out for a free 20 minute phone consultation.  Therapy is one of the most powerful tools for rewiring your brain.

5. Remember that when you are feeling inferior, you are in a trance.

Our simple, breathing bodies are gifts. Naomi Wolf writes, “You do not win by struggling to the top of a caste system, you win by refusing to be trapped within one at all. The woman wins who calls herself beautiful and challenges the world to change to truly see her.”

To free ourselves from the caste system, we must see the bigger picture. The bigger picture reveals that this moment is a miracle, and it is also impermanent. When we are not dumbstruck and overwhelmed with awe, we are disconnected from the great mystery of consciousness. We can experience beauty simply by watching our breath crystalize in the cool spring air, listening to a birdsong outside our window, or tasting the brilliant dance of flavors in a sip of earl grey tea. We don’t need an ‘able body’ or an ‘attractive body’ to be amazed by existence.

In a matter of years, the vessel that you inhabit and are so hard on will no longer be here. But for now, you are alive. Mary Oliver writes, “When it’s over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.” 

Take the world into your arms, however imperfect you think they are, and challenge the world to truly see you.

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Emma Kobil is a licensed professional counselor practicing online in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women practice self compassion. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.