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It can be extremely painful when someone insults your body, intentionally or unintentionally, and it happens to many of us during the holidays. In this short post, I will describe some things to remember if you find yourself in this situation and a few ideas for setting boundaries.  

What to remember when someone insults your body

Whatever you are feeling about the comment that this person just made, those feelings are valid. Trust your gut–if something feels inappropriate and out of line, it was (even if the person didn’t intend to cause harm). If something bothered you, your anger, hurt, frustration, sadness and confusion are all valid. Bias, phobia, prejudice and inappropriate behavior are sadly all very common. The threads of ignorance run deep and long, so remember that any insult is not about you.

When people insult us, it is due to their ignorance or pain. No happy person goes around making mean comments about others–when someone insults you, it is related to their own self judgment, or it is coming from a place of genuine ignorance about what is appropriate or inherent and unexamined prejudice (or both). Either way, you likely aren’t the only person who this person is making inappropriate comments to. Remember that we have all felt the negative effects of someone commenting on our bodies–whatever their sizes or shapes. You are not alone in feeling the pain of judgment from others, and the fact that this person made an insulting comment doesn’t signal any ‘truth’ about you.

How to respond when someone insults your body

Secondly, consider bringing up how the comment made you uncomfortable, and ask the person who made it not to comment on your body. Take a breath to sit with how you feel and whether you want to speak up. Sometimes, you may find that the more loving option for yourself is to walk away, and other times, it feels like you need to use your voice. For example, it may not be helpful or productive to set a boundary with Grandma who has Alzheimer’s (or it might be), but being true to yourself involves letting Uncle Jerry know that he can’t comment on how you’ve ‘thickened out’ since last Christmas. Trust yourself about this as well.

If you do decide to speak up, remember that is important to set boundaries with people around us so that they know how to treat us, and also to send ourselves a message that we are worthy of respectful and kind treatment. People often appreciate clarity around what we feel, and you setting a boundary may be edifying or inspiring for them (or others in your life who learn about it). You setting a boundary can be great practice for showing yourself that you can have difficult conversations, and remembering that you are there for yourself. 

You can start by asking for clarifying questions or explaining how you feel using “I’ statements. You may say something like, “I know that you probably didn’t intend it this way, but that comment hurt my feelings.” In some cases, you may also simply say, “please do not make comments about my body,” or, “when you make comments about my body, it makes me feel uncomfortable.” In some cases, you may say, “that comment is inappropriate,” and walk away. Different situations may merit different responses.

What to do in the aftermath

Finally, practice some self love and self care extra after this experience. Allow yourself to feel the pain of this experience, but then surround yourself with care by listening to body positive podcasts, being with supportive friends, talking to a therapist about how you feel, or simply pamper yourself. Remember that health is possible at every size and shape, and that the negativity around women’s bodies is a result of years of patriarchal and capitalist attempts to control women. Allow yourself to feel held by the community of women and non binary people who have banded together to fight the systemic oppression of the female body. You are not alone, and nearly every woman has experienced ridicule as a result of simply having a body. The fact that a person made an inappropriate comment is a result of a sickness within our culture–not a problem within you. 

You have an opportunity to re-write the script. Let it start with showing up for yourself.

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Emma Kobil is a licensed professional counselor practicing online in Colorado and Florida. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women practice self compassion. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.

“Progress will come in fits and starts. It’s not always a straight line. It’s not always a smooth path.”

Barack Obama

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

JRR Tolkein

A couple of weeks ago, one of my (and many people’s) worst political fears came to pass. The supreme court voted to overturn Roe V. Wade and thereby eliminated the constitutional right to an abortion. The ruling communicates to women, girls, and anyone who can get pregnant that their rights to their body do not exist in the eyes of the government. It has guaranteed that many people will die as a result of pregnancy, lack of access to resources, and at-home abortion techniques. This decision will disproportionately affect marginalized and underprivileged groups and people of color.

Furthermore, this decision kicked open a door that threatens other contraception choices, the right to marry whomever ones chooses, and trans and LGBTQ rights. Soon after we learned of Roe v Wade being overturned, there was another shooting. With some people I love affected by the shooting, it all has felt like a huge weight to bear.

Many of us are experiencing trauma, anxiety and depression as a result of the political landscape in our country. And for marginalized groups, that trauma has been complex and practically inescapable. How do we come to terms with a country that has left many of us feeling so unsafe, helpless, alone, uncared for and hopeless? How do we maintain positive attitudes when there is so much pain and suffering going on around us?

These are the questions I have been grappling with myself over the last couple weeks and have been speaking about with clients in sessions. If you have been having similar thoughts and feelings, I want you to know that you’re not alone. If you want to talk to someone about these feelings, therapy can be a helpful outlet. Please call or reach out for a consultation to see if counseling is right for you.

Here are some tips for how we can think about this decision and begin processing our grief: 

1. Let yourself grieve. You are not bad, lazy, or failing at your life because you are grieving in this moment. Adding on to the pain of feeling sad, we often blame ourselves for feeling depressed or tell ourselves that we aren’t entitled to our pain because so many other people ‘have it worse.’ Why are we feeling this way when we have a good life, when we have access to abortion, or maybe, when we aren’t a part of a marginalized group? A wise therapist once told me, “Pain is pain.” It’s all suffering, and it all deserves our attention. Furthermore, we cannot force ourselves out of grief, just like we cannot force ourselves to heal from trauma. Healing never comes from force or beating ourselves up. Healing only comes from tending to ourselves with gentleness and compassion—just like we cannot heal from sickness by forcing our bodies to work harder, we cannot heal from emotional pain by forcing ourselves to ‘suck it up’ or ‘push forward.’ Your feelings are welcome, beautiful and healthy. Allow them to be there just as you would allow a child’s feelings to be there. Let the vulnerable parts of you know that you care about them and that they don’t need to go anywhere.
2. Allow yourself to retreat, if you need. Escape, watch a lot of tv, eat things that give you joy, snuggle up on your animals or people you love if that feels good. Thank your body for giving you a respite, and let go of any guilt you may feel for being less present. Really feel how retreating may be protecting you from feeling overwhelmed by grief, and let yourself dissociate for a time. Be gentle with yourself and don’t force yourself to get as much done at work or at home. Lower your expectations for yourself—you are grieving, after all, and you won’t be able to accomplish all the things you can accomplish when you aren’t grieving.
3. Come back to the present moment and remind yourself that you are safe. All anxiety is the result of being caught up in the past or the future. If you are reading this article right now, you hopefully have your basic needs met and are safe, clothed, and fed. We don’t know what the future will hold, and often our brains find worst case scenario situations and focus on negative outcomes rather than possible positive ones that might be harder to see. Some of the darkest moments in life and in this country’s history have led to beautiful things down the road. As Obama says, progress is not a straight line. The Vietnam war led to people coming together and protesting, writing music and making art, and starting a political movement that would influence people positively up until the present day. No situation is without some kind of light or goodness, even if it seems impossibly grim. Some of the darkest things in life—a cancer diagnosis, a divorce, a loss of a loved one—can lead to new relationships, a new sense of gratitude, or spiritual awakenings.
4. Allow for the possibility of gratitude (but don’t force it or beat yourself up for not feeling grateful). We naturally focus on the negative (see my previous post about the negativity bias), and we have to first identify our bias in order to begin to see the larger picture. When we allow ourselves to feel pain and sadness but don’t get attached to our negative stories, we make room for the possibility that there is also goodness in our world. As we allow feelings to move through us without judging them, we may be overwhelmed by how much we have to be grateful for. We make space for remembering the people who loved us into being who we are, the wildlife present in our time, a body that is breathing and taking it all in, the way the seasons move and change and allow for life on this planet to exist, the purring of a cat, the way motes of dust float in a sun beam. Our world is touched by tragedy, but it is also a beautiful place, and we get to be alive and experience the mystery of this world every day. Every day we get to live is a miracle—one that is touched with pain, suffering, joy and tender care for others.
5. Remember what you can control. You are a human, living a fleeting life full of sorrows and joys, uncertainty and ambiguity. Many humans throughout history have lived through something challenging, and we look at the people who endured the painful political moments with admiration. Though we cannot control the time we live in, we can control how we make meaning during our time. Think about your future self, down the road in 10, 20, 30 years. Looking back on this time, what would she want you to know and how would she want you to have shown up for yourself? Every moment is here to teach us something. Can you imagine how this moment might be an opportunity for your own growth and awakening? How have other hard moments in life contributed to your growth and your relationship with yourself? Begin to listen to what feels in line with who you want to be and with taking care of yourself. See where your body and mind want you to grow next, and don’t judge what this looks like or rush it.  Joan Baez said that the best antidote to despair is action—what action might you be called to next?
6. Do the things that give you energy and connect you to others. Get outside, play, create, be with the people you love, and talk about how you are feeling. One of our most painful experiences is feeling disconnected from others. This decision, coupled with Covid and constantly being on electronics, has left many of us feeling disconnected. You are a vital part of this complex, ever-changing world, and you are not alone.

As you move through this grief, I hope you can remember the truth of who you are, your inherent goodness, and your capacity to hold pain.  You have experienced things falling apart before (and you will again), but all of it has led to you being where you are right now. Pema Chodron writes, “You are the sky. Everything else—it’s just the weather.” Our country may be covered over with clouds right now. Your blue sky is always underneath.

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Emma Kobil is a licensed professional counselor practicing in Denver, Colorado. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women practice self compassion. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.

“Life is like stepping into a boat that is about to sail out to sea and sink.” Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

Sometimes, we can go through life and forget that we are all out to sea in a vulnerable, unstable boat. But not this year. This year, that boat sunk.

Collectively, we have been adjusting to a life of constant isolation,  processing the way systemic racism shows up in police brutality and mistreatment of people of color, and  living in a state of constant panic around politics. We have watched people we love or know die from Covid-19, we have been unsure about whether we would get an effective vaccine, and many of us have felt powerless against the hate that exists in our country as illustrated during the riot on the capitol. Some of us have faced extreme loneliness living alone, and some of us have felt strain on our relationships with our housemates.

We have all been through trauma this year. And for marginalized groups, that trauma has been complex and practically inescapable.

What does it mean to ‘care for one’s self’ during a time when self-care feels impossible? How do we maintain positive attitudes when there is so much pain and suffering in the world? How do we nurture ourselves when we may not be receiving nurture from anyone else, when we feel depressed, when we don’t care to even get dressed in the morning?

Caring for ourselves during difficult times is a radical act of love both towards ourselves and towards others. When we feel supported and cared for, we have more space for others. When we balance fun, play, exploration and rest in our lives, we can see the larger picture. Here are some tips for getting out of the pandemic slump and coming home to the truth of our connected, wild and ever-changing existence.

1. Reframe/see the larger picture. Even though we have endured many hard things this year, we have also come together and made amazing things happen. Democrats won the presidential election and the senate. Many people came out to protest and supported the black lives matter movement. Staying home helped lower carbon emissions during the time of COVID. Great scientists created a vaccine in rapid time. Personally, many of us have grown during this time, connected more deeply with friends and loved ones on the phone, and learned to love working from home. We naturally focus on the negative (see my previous post about the negativity bias), and we have to make an effort to see what’s positive. When we do make this effort, with time, we may be overwhelmed by how much we have to be grateful for.
2. Try to play. I know this one can be hard when feeling down or depressed so you don’t need to force it. Sometimes we need to let ourselves feel sad (I fully advocate giving yourself full permission to cry it out or to curl up with Nextflx). But if it feels good, play with the dog. Do an improv game with your partner or roommate. If you live alone, think about an online game with friends. If connecting with others isn’t an option, find a way to move your body at home or (even better) outside. Go for a hike and connect with the natural world. If it’s too cold to go out, do a YouTube dance class or a calming yoga.
3. Get a change of scenery/get into nature. I recently took a COVID-safe road trip, and it helped remind me of how magical life can be and that we will have the freedom to connect in person and explore in the future. Sometimes a road trip isn’t possible, but making it a priority to get outside can be so helpful. Being in nature reduces cortisol levels and boosts endorphins, and for many of us, can be a spiritual experience. Have a snowball fight or go for a walk in your neighborhood, a hike, a snowshoe excursion, or go cross country skiing. Even smelling the essential oils of a fir or cedar tree can boost endorphins. Forest bathing lowers blood pressure, improves the immune system, and can help alleviate depression and anxiety (see this article).
4. Remember what you can control. You are a human, living a fleeting life full of sorrows and joys, uncertainty and ambiguity. Many humans throughout history have lived through something challenging, and we look at the people who endured the holocaust or slavery with admiration. Though we cannot control the time we live in, we can control how we make meaning during that time.

In The Lord of the Rings, Tolkien writes,

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

How do you want to spend the time that is given you, and how can you let go of what isn’t in your control? Think about your future self, down the road in 10, 20, 30 years. Looking back on this time, what would she want you to know and how would she want you to have shown up for yourself? This moment is a blip in time, and everything is always changing. There is no ground beneath our feet. So what is this moment here to teach us? How can we make meaning of this time that we have, right here? Can you imagine how this moment might be an opportunity for your own growth and awakening? How have other hard moments in life contributed to your growth and your relationship with yourself?

5. Make something. Being creative slows the heart rate and calms our minds (see here). Some people liken being in a creative state of flow to being in a meditative state. When we are creative, we can process things that our logical mind can’t process by simply thinking or sometimes even by talking things out because we are connected to our bodies. In Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Nagoski and Nagoski report that being creative helps us avoid burnout and ‘complete’ the stress cycle (where we allow emotions to fully pass through us and can release them).  Being creative also helps us make meaning out of things that seem nonsensical, and remember the playful, childlike parts of ourselves. Maybe you like to paint, work with clay, cook, write, or make something with your child. Maybe being creative means re-arranging a room. Let your mind and body do what feels right without judging or criticizing what you create.
6. Help another person. When we realize that we are inextricably interlinked, we feel less alone and we focus less on our own pain and suffering. People who volunteer are consistently happier than those who don’t (see this article). Helping others releases endorphins, helps us feel more connected, and can give us a ‘helper’s high.’ Helping also allows us to see that we matter and have something to contribute. Volunteer, give money to charity, start a facebook charity drive, or talk to a friend who is struggling, When we help, we see the good in ourselves and we see the good in others. The world feels less bleak when we are affecting positive change.

One of our most painful experiences is feeling disconnected from others. This pandemic has put us all in the same boat—a very rickety one at that—and has left us feeling disconnected. I hope that you can come home to the knowledge that you are a vital part of this complex, ever-changing world. You belong here and are worthy of joy.  We are all on rickety, sinking boats–but we are on them together.

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Emma Kobil is a licensed professional counselor practicing in Denver, Colorado. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping creative and perfectionist women in their 20s and 30s practice self compassion. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.