A friend and I were talking the other day about how on dates, she gets incredibly anxious.
Her voice cracks. Her heart is races and her face gets red. She feels like she ends up talking about the weather or oversharing about her past relationship trauma and then she judges herself and the way she sounds. Potential partners run the other way (in her mind).
I can relate. As a kid, I used to hide from people when they came over (which was a lot because my parents were very social!). In grad school, I would turn to alcohol to help me be more ‘fun’ and take the edge off of being with a group of aspiring counselors I admired.
The statistics show that we ALL experience social anxiety to one degree or another. Women or non binary folks who are more sensitive and perfectionistic experience social anxiety more often. And, let’s be honest, how could we NOT be anxious and perfectionistic in a society that tells us we should be anxious about being perfect all the time?!
Even though it sucks that we live with so much social pressure, it’s not a BAD thing that we experience social anxiety. In fact, it shows that we are sensitive to the feelings of others and are desiring of being accepted and seen. We all want to be accepted and seen.
The 4 Things We Are Afraid Will Be Revealed
In How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, Ellen Hendriksen says that when we have social anxiety, we are afraid that one of these things about us will be revealed:
- Our anxiety itself. We are afraid that people will hear our voice crack, see our hands shaking, see us sweating bullets and stumbling over our words.
- Our appearance. We fear that people will recognize that gross pimple, think our clothes are weird, notice a chipped tooth or the fact that we’ve gained weight.
- Our character. People will think that we have a bad personality, are inadequate, a loser, defective. They will think that we’re boring, not smart and not funny. Essentially, people will see that there really is something wrong with us.
- Our social skills. We fear that people will see that we are embarrassingly awkward or boring, we have nothing interesting to say, our mind will go blank, we will be too quiet or confusing or boring
Which one of these do you find yourself fearing will be revealed about you? Reply below to let me know!
3 Tips For Working With Social Anxiety
1. Know that social anxiety is normal and is going to be there
We are mammals and our brains are wired to keep us safe. In our evolution, those of us that survived did not take risk, and those of us who did, died from eating poisonous berries. Fear is what kept our bodies safe for thousands of years and fear doesn’t instantly listen to our rational minds.
As a result, isolating or hiding ourselves feels safe, and branching out of those patterns is about the scariest, most counterintuitive thing on the planet. We may know rationally that we won’t die if we go on a date or to a work happy hour, but our bodies believe otherwise and rail against us when we try to take risky feeling moves that help us grow.
Remember that fear is normal and is trying to keep you safe. But also remember that you don’t have to always let fear drive the bus.
When I’m feeling especially afraid, I like to sit down with fear and have a conversation with my scared part. What is this fear trying to protect me from? How old does it think I am? What does it need from me in order to relax? Often times, just letting the fear know that it can be there and I’m here to listen to it really helps. Sometimes I listen and offer nurturing and reassurance (i.e. “I care about you, I’m here to listen, I’m going to do my best to meet your needs and to keep us safe,” etc.
Having social anxiety and attempting to perform isn’t something to be afraid of. Sometimes we begin to be AFRAID of the social anxiety and self doubt itself and try to make them go away. Being anxious is not a threat—is an emotion. Even with all of my anxiety blunting who I really was, I still made close friends in counseling grad school.
Secondly, I am here to tell you this, and I wish I could scream it from the rooftops:
2. You don’t need to be perfect to have a chosen family.
Instead of focusing on the ways you are inadequate, try really focusing hard on the conversation you are having. Focus on other person rather than turning attention inward, rehearsing what you’re going to say next, or trying to hide what you are thinking and feeling. Ask questions of others, and take the pressure off of yourself to come up with a brilliant story or anecdote.
Let go of all attempts to ‘save yourself’ or look good in a conversation. Despite what the patriarchy would have us think, people enjoy seeing vulnerability in others: they aren’t looking for perfection!
Because, let’s face it, perfect people are boring, unrelatable, intimidating and fake as hell!
Experiment with what it’s like to take the attention off of yourself and to have no pressure to show up a certain way. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend or a pet or a child you love.
3. Third, nurture yourself.
You don’t need to be pushing yourself to be out there, making friends all the time, and it’s ok if the path to healing feels more like a zig zag than a straight line. Allow yourself time to rest and integrate all the steps you are taking to improve your life–and celebrate what you’re doing!
If you’d like help with being more gentle with yourself or overcoming anxiety, therapy can be a great option.
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Emma Kobil is a licensed professional counselor practicing in Colorado. Her philosophically informed therapeutic approach focuses on helping feminist, perfectionist women practice self compassion. Learn more about Emma, or schedule an appointment, at mindfulcounselingdenver.com.
